I was talking to a friend today about B, the sailing conversation and all the ties to the past and how to get the distance I need with him to regain my balance.... and I'm surprised I hadn't thought of this before... I mean I had tried to think of a symbol for him to meditate on or way to visualize letting go but every time I let go I feel... a very strange disruptive dislocation and mix of depressing things that confuse me and keep me muddled in place. & I had also tried just thinking of a different sex-symbol when I fantasized but nothing was working because there was no emotional resonance or romantic component and I would get blocked with I tried to imagine it... and then today I thought about Max! And it made perfect sense.
I mean I'll have to dust it off a bit... but I had some of the similar feelings of connection with him once upon a time as I do with B although it was never as convoluted or present-but-not moving as it is with B right now. I mean every since the "well, we never got to that part of the conversation" remark I have been feeling very stalemated about how to even be friends because it seems clear to me it's not going dissolve into a sincere friendship where I actually even meet his current girlfriend and yet... it just has not been easy to think of myself as completely single, available or well-matched with someone else either - despite the little dating I have done since this whole thing cropping up.
And I don't think Max would mind my borrowing his image or likeness at all... and I was able to think or and date other men when I was with him... and I don't think I'm going to like run into him tomorrow or start something up again any time soon... and what's the worse that happens I conjure his actual presence and we catch up on old times?... I mean I feel secure in our friendship end of things but still attracted so I think maybe it will work... so when ever I need a dream lover or have that "happy-right" feeling I will think of him and what we once had and let that my guide. I will think "what would Max do/say/think about this??"
Thanks Max where ever you are.
Hmmm, but suddenly I am craving a Chimicanga for some reason....
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