Today I was fantasizing about B (still borrow his image in a pinch) and having a hot moment when suddenly it was like we both just didn't feel it anymore - didn't feel the spark, the attraction, the whatever tension or temptation... it was just odd we are kissing, necking it's feeling great and then we just sort of looked at each other like... just sort of old acquaintances that didn't really ever have much in common or much to talk about. I mean it was just hot necking and then tah-dah oh yeah, uh, hey.... I know, I know I don't spend too much time thinking about it all it means is that whole area is just outta steam and done with. I've known this for a little while it's just sad when even the fantasies leave you and have nothing left to say.
It's also just kinda depressing in a way not to have anything to occupy that part of my brain with but it's also something I had believed in disappearing with no meaningful replacement in sight. It's disappearing and it meant next to nothing in reality. It just meant something to me alone, and mostly in my brain, just fizzled out with no passing comments. It's not quite the same thing as the release and calm of closure, it's just - over. *poof* Which hardly seems fitting except like I said - there is nothing to say.
Seems like there should be a good-bye or "thanks for bringing me back this part of myself" but there's not there's just like this realization that it was nothing. It's odd but it's also a big in-your-face to faith - it's allllll in your imagination. Ha ha, fool!
Part of me was thinking the only reason there is no fitting goodbye is because it's not over.... 1) even when it's not over there is usually a sort of satisfying feeling of parting on the right note or there is a tension that lets you know you're not all done but I don't feel that. 2) it's not over and I don't look forward to any continuation because I have my assumptions about those outcome being the same as the other passings to date. It'll only be a tease, there will never be any kind of satisfaction of that tease, it'll never have enough time together to be flush with meaning, or it'll be filled with a lot of meaning but we'll never be meant to be share it together - so why would I ever bother?.... and I just don't want any of it, that;s for sure. Don't want it. Don't care about any of it and I've done it all before a couple of times over - so? And I guess that's the lose I'm at right now, the loss of faith, the loss of hoping for something new, the loss of imagination to conceive of what that might be... it's also just a bit of disappointment and expectation that what ever happens with him in the future will just be some other played out version of disappointment and I don't know how to meet that challenge so like I said we need a new word for done.
So there is no good-bye, no thank you, no see ya next time, no see ya around - there's just *poof*. I just don't want it... but then there's that last loss - the loss of desire. I miss that desire so much and I had gotten it back and now it's gone again and there seems a new ring of apathy and finality to it.
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