someone gave me advice on where to meet men and I promised I would try at least one but the other seemed... I dunno, not like me? I mean I'm not really athletic so why hang out where men play baseball and go to the bars they go to afterward? I don't drink and I don't have a wing man so it's going to be pretty obvious I'm waiting for a pick-up or something. And I am just not sure an athletic guy would go for me anyways. You woman who was giving the advice is more athletic. I want to be more active - as in have someone to do things with, but I don't want to misrepresent myself or anything.
The other thing made sense to at least go look see and I don't have a big self-conscious problem with it, just have to get in the mood and go. Easy enough to do alone so I was glad for that suggestion... Although I did get a little bit of the married friend wanting you to met someone already. Oh well it's nice she cares.
I have been pretty happy and a little preoccupied lately - it's nice. Today I thought about B and the thoughts weren't the same in tone or resonance at all... which is good but also just different I guess. It takes getting used to the distance even if it is comfortable and I will have to see if I can maintain it when I see one of his friends next week or so. I don't think we have any reason to mention him so it should be a problem cause i really like her anyways. She is so much fun and so nice.
Man, I am really lucky to have some great girlfriends! I wish two of them actually lived nearby and the other two didn't travel quite as much, but still lucky. Then I was just thinking I don't spend enough time hanging with Duffy and Susan and Simone... I wonder why I don't do that, they are nicer to be with then a few other people I can think of. I guess the married with children thing is hard for a single sometimes just because there is less in common to share. It's not that I think they are really boring or anything I just don't have much to say about property tax and what not.
My possibly on the edge of divorce friend is sort of planning her life alone and worried about the near future and i know it is gonna be a long long road before she is out of the marriage, resolved about that and ready to be dating again but today she was talking about it like it was a current concern and it was a little weird for me. I sat around today just contemplating how much I miss having a boyfriend and how much I had just given up on ever finding a life partner and I am in this whole other place that is difficult to describe. In one way I miss having a relationship so much - imagining more of a connection with B then was real was only a way to deal with it but this sitting alone contemplating this odd duality is not easy. It's hard to sit alone and just be with it without feeling broke-down and busted. In some ways I don't want my life to change because I have so much peace in a degree of solitude. I mean I have really gotten attached to the sense of safety and the older I get the more resistant I feel to inviting someone in and the mystery man I might be giving that up for.
Is he worth it? Searching for a good match when you are 40 is not easy. Seems almost worse if you are a smart, articulate woman with standards, way worse still if you are a little alternative also. Sometimes I am perfectly fine even if it seems impossible but other times relationships seem too futile to really have any faith to make it worth the search. I have so little faith left and I have been rejected and hurt and passed over enough times that is is so hard to open myself to hope.
It would be quite so lonely if I knew who to take that depth of concern and lack of faith to. I'm not especially religious although I am trying to maintain a connection to positive thought and even a little meditation but I guess the hard thing is how few single women friends I have and how hard it is to face that vulnerability and lack of faith with my friends who are coupled and have been for years. They want the best for me and I try to let it in but part of me feels "well what do you know of it?" I mean they've been off the market and not looking for years and just because they've all found someone does not guarantee that there even is someone for me. I dunno it's just so hard to talk to them about it when I sometimes feel like I just have no excuse or reason for why I'm still alone. I mean they just sort of hush-hush that and that doesn't really feel soothing as it does covering up. I know that partly I am very wrong to look at it this way - I am a desirable women and its not like I want them agreeing that I'm not or telling me why I hadn't met "the right guy" (which is sort of a flawed judgment on all my previous choices btw) or something... I'm just saying I get tired sometimes of having no one to confide in that really gets it all.
I don't want to look at only the lonely side of things, but I don't want to ignore it either. Seems impractical not to find a way to cope if I might conceivably always be living essentially alone with my particular circumstances.
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