affirmations

Okay so I am reading this book on thyroid health which along the way lead me to consider a co-existing adrenal problem and ya know you'd think I would feel encouraged to find the answer to problems that have continued long after the hormone therapy began but instead I was just sort of crushed with feelings of fear, anxiety and hopelessness at the prospects of attempting a conversation with a doctor about this. I mean I just totally felt like why bother they just make you sit in the little chair and feel like a pee-on, simpleton, mentally unstable hypocondriac for taking an interest and opinion about your own healthcare. I mean among the worst possible things to say to any doctor are "I've been reading this book and..." or "I was doing some internet research and..." But then let's say you even get past that and they don't just write you off as crazy... well gosh what am I saying that's a pretty big maybe in itself... anyway you then have to hope your doctor's ego is healthy enough to take a suggestion and partner with you in your care and let's face it years of medical school didn't exactly engender humility post graduating.

Okay I know, I know, I sound awful it's just that YEARS of seeking treatment for a "sub-clinical" thyroid condition has made me angry and jaded... gawd I suffered for years with my life slowing degrading under the weight of an impenetrable depression, which was under the further stigma of thinking I was fucking crazy and the only thing anyone wanted to do was 1) suggest it was all in my head 2) take another blood test and pat me on the head 3) put me on anti-depressants and push me out the door 4) tell me I was no spring chicken anymore (I was 30 btw and yes those exact words were used) 5) test me for Epstein Barr syndrome, then tell me that definitively I had no provable condition and my personal favorite 6) suggest it was my fault for eating bread, having a sedentary job and not exercising "enough".

This year my cousin died at 42 of McArdle's Disease and my Dad passed away at 52 of some mysterious autoimmune spleen problem that never had a name. At the age of 39 all of my grandparents have been gone for many years now... and as if I even had the time for these so called experts I went from one to the other for 5 years while that little voice inside that said to believe in myself and that I wasn't crazy and not to be crazy for anyone just continued to die a slow agonizingly hopeless death of despair. Now, I'm not saying this because I am still angry - okay you got me I am - but I am saying that what I now understand is how important even life saving it is to have a doctor you can talk to, and having the courage to speak-up for yourself. I mean settle for whatever romantic partner, ho-hum job or lack luster sex life you want but don't scrimp on finding the doctor that fits, that listens.

I found one in 2001 and he let me talk about what I had read that "spoke to me" and he agreed to at least test thyroid antibodies - the results of which were not "normal" as I had expected so he sent me to a specialist at Mount Zion UCSF who further tested me and eventually diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hashimoto's_thyroiditis) and put me on medication. I now understand the dogma, the testing regime, how it slipped through the cracks and the general potential fallacy in testing itself.... well... adrenal problems today are sort of like the thyroid modalities were in 1996 as far as the accuracy of tests and the prescribed tests, and the likelihood of being taken seriously in wanting to treat what could be considered a "sub-clinical" condition that once again may be at the mercy of my underlying autoimmune condition which they flat out have no treatment, or even interest in discussing.

Okay after allllll that you may rightly be asking what the hell any of this has to do with affirmations... well, I will tell you... interestingly enough there has been a series of tiny serendipitous events in the last 4 days that has lead me the information that in the eyes of holistic medicine - just as thyroid problems are associated with "finding one's voice" and "speaking one's truth" adrenal problems are connected with defeatism and shedding self-defeatist beliefs. I fitting challenge for someone who'd had their little voice inside scathed within an inch of existence.

And especially sad to me after the crushing relationship that ended over two years ago - it's taken me that long just to get that all squared away and I still doubt myself and it's true that lately I have been feeling especially lacking in confidence in areas such as: finding more work I'd enjoy/profit from, a new fulfilling relationship, lively desirable friends, any kind of writing career and ugh, just a general lack of belief in my own effectualness. So now here I am being asked to believe that affirmations will help me heal this area and gosh do I get a minute just to remember to forget that I can't heal? LOL. I mean you go through some changes when you don't have that faith for YEARS. But I'm gonna do it, no matter how silly and kinda pathetic it feels I am gonna come here and write a new affirmation or just re-read them often when I think of it and so I wanted to be able to find them quickly... the first one is for the medical community

I am compassionate and forgiving.

I am melodious in voice and lovely in aspect both to the eye and mind.

I am courageous in speaking up for myself because I speak for others in doing so. I deserve to be heard because I have something to contribute.

I am powerful and dynamic.

I am both wise and kind.

I am passionate and devoted, not to mention absolute firecracker in bed... you know what they say about the artist types *winkwinknudgenudge*