One Pale Fire

gunny

I like target shooting, I can appreciate the sport of marksmanship. I understand the love of powerful mechanical things and the status-by-association that goes with them. I love the feel of cool satin finished metal. I can accept that some people like hunting even though it hardly seems fair - life isn't fair afterall. I'm even fine with going a couple of rounds on the "constitutional right" to bare arms right if you'd like ... but... there is one tired old argument I would really like to see removed from the pro-gun arsenal and that's "people kill people, not guns".

It's not that it's untrue but that it is one of the half truths — the fact is it takes two — a gun AND an operator. True guns don't go marching out of their boxes in closets and kill people innocent unsuspecting people but you have to admit it is a tiny bit harder to accidentally choke someone to death then it does to squeeze a trigger. I mean can we agree it does require just a skosh more patience and energy to blogen someone to death then aim and fire?... Okay, okay, fine.... All that aside, honestly what I think I despise most about this "people kill people" argument is the very basic "not me" premise behind it. 'Well, don't look at ME - *I* didn't kill 7 people in a McDonalds one day because my wife finally figured out I had some screws loose and left me. No, *I* am a responsible gun collector, marksman and owner - *I* am just as well-adjusted, perfectly sane, life-loving, god-fearing as the next guy. *I* don't deserve to be penalized for every unconscionable idiot who fired a gun into another human being or left a gun unlocked in a box in their closet for a 6 year old to find. *I* have a constitutional RIGHT to shot a trespasser on my land threatening my family, my home, my country' ... uhm, yeah well, I would just like to make one extremely unpopular and inflammatory suggestion to America: maybe what we need in lieu of people actually being responsible for their own actions is a little more being responsible for everyone's actions. 

Yep, that's right you heard me.

You tell me more gun legislation and waiting periods are not the answer, well fine. I am totally 100% fine and good with that because after all if I'm doing nothing wrong then I shouldn't have a problematic encounter with the average, law-abiding gun carrier, right??? Okay, pray tell what IS THE ANSWER to bringing down gun violence and crime then? 'Cause I gotta tell ya "not me": ISN"T CUTTING IT! This isn't a Family Circus cartoon strip and there are just too many lawless, unstable, mentally-ill, ignorant, fearless creeps with NO regard for human life out there. And there are also far to many irresponsible dumbasses with enough money and patience to acquire guns out there.

obvious child

I was feeling terribly sad about a number of things - namely what will happen when its my mom getting older and unable to drive etc. instead of my friend's mother dying yesterday - old age but still... So much has passed between my family and I since my fathers death 20 years ago that I don't really know how to incorporate them in my present life without starting to feel suffocated, held back or just plain galled by the same old stuff that drove me away to begin with... why in the hell was I always so different?... but last night when I was thinking of my mom and worried about how her health will hold up and how to best serve her aging progress and when and how to have the talk about nursing homes and what her wishes are - etc etc... I was overwhelmed with... how separate both halves of my life seem. Overwhelmed. There is so much I left behind and don't regularly even think of. Staggering. Is it time to grow out of that twenty year old landmark? Seems like trying to remerge continents or something. For some reason I kept envisioning me back there cleaning out the house after she died and it all coming down on me like a landslide.

I have to find some way to start having that talk with her now before she turns 70 and the little isolated heart palpations of last week turn into something else... like a stroke, they run on both sides of my family.... Anyway its a lot of pressure all on me because my THREE brothers are ALL so fucking useless with this kind of stuff. Useless. And Dad is not around to talk about these things with her or talk sense or even consider the damn future. So weird that odd suspended state everything drifted into when he got sick - a ruterless super slow motion. No one knew what was going to happen so we all just sorta stopped thinking about the future because we didn't know how much of it would include him and well gosh it just seemed awfully rude I guess... Years went by, eventually he died but it still seems awfully rude somehow to think about the future or something. Force of established habit that they somehow never questioned, I dunno.  Like I said - no idea why I was so damned different. "Why deny the obvious child" is a line in a Paul Simon song. Somethings seemed so obvious to me when I was 18 and I couldn't ignore them anymore. I stepped up and slipped out of the suspended state and into my own slip stream... things have moved kind fast every since but yesterday I started to identify with my mom and I saw so many similarities and it was the most bizarre twisted kind of time warp... you really do become your parents... except there still feels like there is so much space between me and my mom.

I felt better after talking about it so I got back to business - gave D a lift to the airport to return a rental car, sent the emails, made a few phone calls, talked to a friend, wondered about R for a few moments and then worked for hours straight before stopping for dinner. Watch a little TV, stop to admire the full moon on the way out to my car to retrieve a bottle of water. Cool water. Some days I still have that feeling like I can not believe how lucky I am to have the life I have but I guess that's the gift of growing up with a dying father.

The Obvious Child Lyrics: I’m accustomed to a smooth ride Or maybe I’m a dog who’s lost it’s bite I don’t expect to be treated like a fool no more I don’t expect to sleep through the night Some people say a lie’s a lie’s a lie But I say why Why deny the obvious child?  Why deny the obvious child?  And in remembering a road sign I am remembering a girl when I was young And we said these songs are true These days are ours These tears are free And hey The cross is in the ballpark The cross is in the ballpark We had a lot of fun We had a lot of money We had a little son and we thought we’d call him sonny Sonny gets married and moves away Sonny has a baby and bills to pay Sonny gets sunnier Day by day by day by day I’ve been waking up at sunrise I’ve been following the light across my room I watch the night receive the room of my day Some people say the sky is just the sky But I say Why deny the obvious child?  Why deny the obvious child?  Sonny sits by his window and thinks to himself How it’s strange that some rooms are like cages Sonny’s yearbook from high school Is down from the shelf And he idly thumbs through the pages Some have died Some have fled from themselves Or struggled from here to get there Sonny wanders beyond his interior walls Runs his hand through his thinning brown hair Well I’m accustomed to a smoother ride Maybe I’m a dog that’s lost his bite I don’t expect to be treated like a fool no more I don’t expect to sleep the night Some people say a lie is just a lie But I say the cross is in the ballpark Why deny the obvious child?

financial meltdown

words cannot express what a bad bad bad, just incredibly bad feeling, I have about this...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081014/ap_on_bi_ge/financial_meltdown

$700 billion of a plan I personally have little faith and am still disgusted by is basically already spent. I can't believe he has a Master's degree in Business Administration from Harvard. My God how I miss the days of George H. raising taxes. I can't wait til Dubya is outta the office and away from the damn checkbook.

forums

so I was on the WW forums the other day and I read (after I made my first helpful post of course) that it is a "ground rules" violation to post points values because they are "Intellectual Property"... ugh, can I just say that I find that sort of ridiculous - I mean "Intellectual Property"??? I'd respect the rule more if they just said don't do it because nobody wants to be responsible for your posting erroneous points values for something. I would think the points system has been lifted and re-created so many times I can't imagine it really matters anymore. There are like 5 different iPhone points calculators that are a lot more convenient to use then accessing their website (even if you were signed up and paying for the access to "etools") — so are they going to go after every application maker too? That would be a shame. I think at a certain point in a company's lifespan and popularization that should just give up on a few things that are on this side of a patent.

The other thing I didn't quite get the reasoning behind is that you are not supposed to post URLS of any kind. Any kind. Meaning its not just prohibited to post links to Jenny Craig for instance or to your email so you can, oh I dunno make friends, but you are not supposed to even post useful information like a link to a nutritional information chart for a popular restaurant as a point of discussion... but then of course you aren't supposed to discuss points values anyway so whatever.

I just can't see the POINT in even using the online forum but I guess they are trying to drive everyone to the more costly (and more successful) meetings and the rest of the website isn't actually very quick, intuitive or immensely useful anyways... I mean the points tracker galls me - just typing something like "croissant" or "chicken" into their points tracker comes up with like 15 different items (which I partly understand) with about 10 different points values (which I don't really understand) so its hard to get any help on that part of your plan.

Okay, I'm just grumpy because I want help with this for myself, I am totally open to applying myself, to accepting advise and sharing my successes and slip-ups to help others BUT I DO NOT LIKE the meetings. I mean okay so I'm INFP or "shy" - I honestly find it vaguely humiliating and uncomfortable to do "self-help" things like this in community - and I'm trying not to let that stop me but ugh, I really do hate it. I feel like people are looking at me with this gleeful expectation to stand up, introduce myself by first name and identify myself in relationship to this problem and fawn over my daydreamy goals that seem so silly and unimportant in the general scheme of things when I say them out loud. I honestly feel like more of a "fat girl" there in a room full of strangers (and a few people I didn't necessarily like once I got to know them) then I do on my own. Its weird I don't feel much personal shame for my being overweight because I've learned to reject other people's standards and because I accept and enjoy my body the way it is, but man, I do start to feel kinda icky and out of place in a weight loss meeting as much as they try to make it a comfortable environment (and it is very comfortable and enjoyable for other people I am sure). 

debate

I am so sick of McCain saying "friends" before & after his statements. Just like I got so tired of Palin saying "Maverick" before & after his statements. But I think more then anything I got so f@#$%ing sick of both of them referencing Regan like he was a God or something. I mean seriously THAT'S THEIR HERO in these economic times?! I think I also was about to lose my lunch once again tonight when McCain was ass-kissing the American innovation and work force... seems like a similar resort that Palin was coached on "keep relating to the everyday working class like soccer moms and joe-6-pack". It suppose to be about "small town values" but it does come off as awfully... gawd, whats the word... condescending, pedestrian or see-through-fake  provincial in its appeal. Just not very Republican somehow, more like desperate, unabashed "undecided" scrambling. I mean I'm not a soccer mom or a joe-6-pack but I do fall into the income level and I find it highly condescending and kind of insultingly so when most of those golden-parachute CEOs are Republican - to me is about economic ethics and not right-wing/religious ethics. Am I really supposed to believe they are looking out for my economic well-being or wanting control over how I live my life?

I think its pretty clear that McCain is floundering although that doesn't mean much we could still end up at the polls with him winning because I am so often disappointed with the turn-out and sway at the last minute. Obama was more detailed and more on the attack as far as the campaign but he still lacks the foreign affairs finesse and no amount of debates is gonna clear that up. I mean I listen to him and I sort of agree with his policies in theory but then he tends to get so tripped up in on this altruistic view of the world.  He just seems kind of naive about some things like special interests for instance – he keeps talking about cutting them out of legislation and while it is pretty easy to agree with it on principal, how the hell is he going to get anything through the Senate like that? I mean even I get that its all about greasing the wheels so I keep thinking what is he smoking? Or that it sounds just like the healthcare reform of the former Clinton campaigns years ago. Ugh, I'm not that excited about the future either way but man oh man do I just want to skip that last couple of weeks and just vote already! I mean I just want to stop right here before the smearing and griping at each other get worse.

Meanwhile here are a few energy websites to consider:

http://www.pickensplan.com/#

http://www.energytomorrow.org/

share blame, please

Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig

okay I'll stop clicking on these links... it just made me roll my eyes "oh don't blame us", "I know this is lame but we can't help it", "don't hate us its part of our DNA"... I really want to appreciate the male perspective and I know it really is supposed to help but when I think of this idiotic woman I know of who claims only to love men I just want to hurl. She has a bottomless well of compassion for all of this crap? The running, the cowardess, the passive-agressive whining and unexplained distancing.

okay yeah it struck close to home and it still hurts sometimes. I really thought I was going to have a life with this dork and he just ups and starts doing the dump-me dance because "ewwww, he's scared!". If its just a reflex/memory thing maybe I should write an article how you can't blame women for being over-reactive bitches because its in our DNA to remember EVERYTHING *shakes head* I mean, I just kept sitting here thinking of how many jerky break-ups and unexplained abandonments and rejections I've encountered and I feel.... *shrug* pissed. Thanks for the explanation but where the hell was all this information about 20 friggin' years ago. Gesh, I feel damaged for being a good thing, or like I am a product of being wronged instead of more empowered and resolved in letting go. I mean it just makes it seem like women are completely at the mercy of men who end relationships for a variety of fucked up reasons and I'd really prefer not to think of it that way because that one sided consciousness makes it impossible to approach any hope of a new relationship. I know its essentially true of anyone approaching me as well but its a matter of focus - if all I have to look forward to is the prospect of being dumped for no reason... I just... I can't.

I know that it's true as Dan Savage says "all relationships WILL ultimately fail, until, one doesn't" but that's not a one sided outlook. I can't stand the thought that I can look forward to more break-ups because I'm "too" smart or good or sexy or giving or loving or patient or whatthehell ever. Too, too, too. I mean I would almost rather it was my fault - tell me I'm fucked up and no one would ever want more then 37% of me - because none of these things are faults ffs and there is no one handing out answers as to how to make it a positive when it costs you a relationship you wanted with all your heart with someone you really loved!...I wish I could go back to Vegas, to the incredible room with the impossible view where I sat on the floor for hours mentally throwing away everything good thing I ever did to deserve being dumped and dumped on so abruptly. Regretting and unable to forgive myself for being myself. I just sat there alone for hours hating everything about myself, everything I had become, everything I "worked" on - no matter what it was because I would have taken it all back for a little more time with him curled up in the bow of the boat sleeping in late on Sunday morning. I just wanted to be with him - that's all I wanted - not to be perfect, just with him.

Of course I know I'm not perfect but I'm pretty sure he dumped be because I was perfect for him. Then again maybe its just a symptom of too much softening the blows or friends trying to bolster my ego over the years but when I think for a minute that it's not and that being perfectly myself and well matched for anyone will get me dumped I feel like my brain is gonna spin right out of my head it makes me so damn crAAAzzzY! It has to be on both, not beauty and the beast, not one or the other - so please - strike a little balance and let me have my sanity.

no. 7 my ass

Fort Lauderdale is no. 7 in the top ten "single cities" and Miami is no. 9 - are you fucking kidding me with this????

What a bloody awful rainy weekend, no date, no prospects, a girlfriend still in the honeymoon phase wanting to talk about NOTHING but him, another girlfriend who is settled in a relationship and another girlfriend who it light-years away from dating again... and... I'm still fatigued getting over this sinus thing. Ugh, most singles *eye roll* I can't get over it. Where the hell are they all? Is there a secret hand shake or a club or something? Or are they the most single cities because everybody is just committed to stay that way?

"those liberals" and "us conservatives": An American Carol

screw the movie just read the reviews:

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810011696/user

chock-full-o-laughs! It is simply amazing to me what people lump onto "the liberals" - for instance just the very premise of many of the reviews: to be a card carrying liberal you must pledge allegiance to Michael Moore and absolutely hate this movie. It's simply not true.... Well, okay I am a liberal, I do hate stupid humor movies/dislike parodies and I do happen to be willing to listen to what Michael Moore has to say BUT I don't agree with everything he says, I never pledged to defend his honor and I am also quite willing to acknowledge that he is an ass... nonetheless as a "liberal", the question stands: what the hell does "kid actors having to talk so crassly... and... potty humor" have to do with being a liberal?

I mean, yes, I get the civil liberties angles, free speech and the tension between allowing some rights while limiting others but why does that mean that as a liberal I *want* to indulge in crass potty humor? And why did this one other ijit who HADN'T EVEN SEEN the movie endorse it based on "liberals" supposedly having disliked it and I say " It's a pleasure to know that all of Hollywood doesn't march in lockstep to a socialist beat."? So apparently everyone in Hollywood is liberal and all liberals are socialists??? I really don't get any of this, its like assuming all lesbians are overweight, vegetarian and don't shave their legs or that all Republicans are anti-environmentalist or that all conservatives LOVE LOVE LOOOOOOVE Elisabeth Hasselbeck and they HAVE TO... I mean surely, surely in this great country of ours there must be more then one good God-fearing, Christian, country-serving, PC-using/Exce-spread-sheet running, self-respecting right-wing Republican who finds her just as annoying, uninformed, tactless and immature as I do. Please please please let there be one conservative out there who can uphold a more sophisticated "lady-like" idol and compelling argument for " Christian values" then some football player's wife who whimpers "now wait a minute" now and then on some hen-fest talk show. 

Oh and btw what is up with these people who think that Sarah Palin and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are the ultimate epitome of ideal femininity, "classy" "lady-like" manners and stature. Seriously what is it specifically? The pearls, the occasional up-do, the skirts or just the conservative views? Because could Palin have possibly said "Maverick" one more time or possibly have talked any more about soccer-moms, average Joes and "middle/working class" in the debate? (btw her assets top $1 million, that to me does not make her the average down-home soccer mom and somebody else out there must be seein' through her winking darn-tottin' cuteness regardless of their party affiliation). I mean take a couple of "God" quotes out of her language and she sounds like she's running on a Democratic ticket so what? was it the beauty contest background that makes her so "classy" primp and proper? Because I heard these two older women talking in a Starbucks the other day and I couldn't get over how much they seriously seemed to be saying to one another that they were excited about seeing a "real lady" running for office for once and how they were going to vote for her because they liked her manners and thought she was pretty instead of one single tangible thing in her experience made her ripe for the job or just the sheer fact that she wasn't H. Clinton. I am the first to admit that Obama's lack of experience and naivete makes me nervous as hell so why the party-addled popularity approach? What bugs me if not that I dislike Palin but I don't see her getting praise for her unconventionality or supposed whistle-blowing "maverick" status, I see her getting touted as some Republican/conversative poster girl or feminine answer to Hillary Clinton and good-old soccer mom when in reality she has a pregnant teen daughter, assets that top $1 million, a husband that IS blue collar, two vacation retreats, a float-plane at her dock in Alaska and fishing rights worth $50,000 (who also just happens to believe in "safe" offshore drilling). I mean, I'll give her interesting and "maverick" as much as it pains me to say it but a conventional conservative AND "everyday, working class American"?... wtf?

I honestly don't know where some of these connections come from or how/why ANYONE is so willing to lump things together into these stanch "them" and "us" viewpoints. The Conservatives that I tend not to like are those who are very very provincial and very black & white in thinking but I at least try to remain clear on the "them" as being provincial or black & white thinkers, not conservatives and Republicans. What I also would like to see acknowledged by ANYONE now & then is that whenever you see someone get their heckles up in a very tightly bunched, almost vigilante and angry spitting of "them" and "us" talk, there is something about the "them" that they secretly resent not permitting themselves to indulge in.... yes in a sense I am saying that according to conventional pyschological  thinking that person who talked about the potty humor secretly wishes they could let themselves go and laugh at having their own gross-out buttons pushed and is just projecting that onto "liberals".... oh & btw when you get there give me directions because this is one liberal who doesn't love it either.