One Pale Fire

wtf log-in

what the freak is up with the log-in lately???? And Firefox is all glitchy lately too!

historical chills

I've never been more impressed with the dignity and speeches of both candidates in a single race.

protect compassion

I can not believe the candidates are so close in FL. Simply can not believe it! And they are saying its a hispanic vote thing? I don't understand this divide - what is so horribly wrong with Obama's "family values"? I mean seriously what makes McCain's "family values" so superior? Many of Obama's policies are hardly radical. I really don't understand the continuing role of religion governing a country, there's scabbling about all kind of civil liberties meanwhile it seems like there is less & less of a division between church & state. Its beyond intolerant to want to legislate everyone's lifestyle. It always strikes me as more of a jealous bitchiness then anything - like saying if "I can't do this then no one can!". This whole argument of saving souls and doing the right thing is a bunch of bull, pure rationalization. And I am not talking about abortion and I am NOT talking only about GAY rights here, I'm talking about things like domestic partnership that involves opposite sexed couples.

Where is the basic respect for free will? I mean I was under the impression that was a God-given blessing/curse, right?

This whole Marriage Protection Act on the local ballot is just insulting to me. Why is any union a matter of legislature? Why is marriage a legal matter to begin with? I mean its supposed to be a union blessed by God, but its more important to some people that it be a legally binding fact. Its more important that - what? - only people of opposite sexes who have chosen to sign a peice of paper together be able to sue each other when one breaks a promise or wants to dissolve that legal bond? It is fine with me if there are those who need & want to take a union that far to the point of legally binding a contract not to have sex with anyone else but this whole "protection" angle is what is so insulting to my common sense - gays are not trying to take anything away from their heterosexual counterparts and marriage is certainly not on the verge of extinction all by itself. What I find so offensive about the Marriage Protection Act is how hell-bent supporters are about limit the rights of a domestic partner to do things like visit a loved on in the hospital or a great many other situations that involve domestic PARTNERS going through life together. I just don't understand why THAT is so important to TAKE AWAY from domestic partners? Why is it so important to punish people of opposite sexes for not going to the court house and getting piece of paper, or punish people for being of the same sex and loving someone/making a life with and being supportive of another of the same sex

By the way, what do Intersexed individuals do? decide which sex they are to legally classify as? I mean I know its an extremely small percetage of people but seriously if someone with fairly equal male & female characteristics wants to marry a man, is that illegal? Even if she dresses, acts, is named and has always identified as a woman?

chance & compressed conflict

I should probably be outside enjoying the incredible weather we are having but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Sitting quietly on a park bench watching boats go by has me all itchy in the brain and walking in the park seems to have a similar effect - I just keep walking faster and feel more irritated that I'm not finished yet.

It that weird compressed feeling I get when I don't have enough illusionary control or mastery of a situation, the malaise seeps into everything else. I feel useless to a small cross section of people in my life and I want to throw myself into something else but there just doesn't seem to be enough something else to go around at the moment. Its Sunday so the realty showings are slow, I could drive around looking for open houses but its such a shot in the dark, why go see another $350,000 townhouse in Victoria Park when I can barely afford a $100,000 in Oakland Park. Besides there's no point in doing one more showing until the ink is dry on the pre-approval anyway. Its all such a dicey feeling business right now and I'm still just getting use to the options and get my head around the right recipes of factors that will fit to make a thing go right.

Meanwhile once again my Mother didn't see fit to call me when my brother went into the hospital with abdominal pain. He had a bad bowel infection and its good he went in and it was nothing worse, but what if it had been? - would I even get a phone call three days from now saying he died? *shrug* I have no idea what goes through her head. Is it some kind of punishment for not calling enough? I guess I will just have to ask her eventually. But even that bugs me, I just feel like once again I am the parent. The sheer volume and girth of apathy in my family is simple stunning. That little resentment wouldn't even come to a light simmer if other agitators hadn't already been in place and now I am so tense I don't think I can speak to her and make much sense - you know small non-threatening words spoken in a soft, loving, patient voice. Ack.

Earlier this week I had the closest thing to a tiff that I've ever had with R and it was over something similar. I've had about all I can talk. I mean I was there making the phone calls, sending the texts, asking to be included and got nothing but these placid watered down little two word texts until such a time as the mood suits him and he is feeling up to it then suddenly he "misses" even though he is less then 10 miles away for once and I would have taken him to the Cleveland Clinic if he'd let me but I wasn't invited to know how he was feeling. We waited all this time to see each other, he's been here over a week and barely any contact - I know he has really bad back pain but seriously I heard from him more the week before when he was out of town and he had back pain then too. It galls me that he isn't even around to break-up with now and I have to be nice because he isn't feeling well and of course I can't express any frustration to anyone because of what a callus shrew that makes me. 

I know my life isn't really on hold it just brings up... issues... Why anyone thinks I am this sweet, happily subordinate and girlish thing is beyond me. I'm not. In fact if anything being expected to be that evokes this compressed rage in my chest from years of having to be good nice lil girl - seen, not heard - while my Dad was sick, which was often over the decade. I climbed just as many trees, shot just as many bebe guns and suppressed just as many emotions as my brothers - I just washed my hands when I came inside and didn't get caught as much. I didn't tie lizards to firecrackers express my inner conflict and anger but I have plenty of unkind, impatient emotions over years of there being nothing I could do, invited or allowed to do, except be there and sit quietly in the far removed waiting room looking at magazines and doing word searches until someone came out to tell us what was gonna happen... except they never did because they didn't know. Why did anyone think they would?

I do have humility. I do have compassion. I do have empathy... I just don't have the patience for it all the time when there's no where to apply it. I have all this energy and nowhere to put it, no way to get it out of me fast enough. I dunno maybe that's why my Mother didn't call me when my brother was in the hospital. What's worse there being nothing you can do or not being given the chance?