One Pale Fire

consoling myself

today I totally abused food, gawd it was good time. I know you are not supposed to endorse substance abuse in any form but since when do substances have rights? Yeah, kidding but seriously doesn't anyone else get sick of the health police and what's "right". I ate that ice ream bar after a really awful unhealthy lunch and I didn't feel the least bit bad about it.

I dunno, maybe it was out of anger or self abuse because I'm angry no one seems to share my dream of buying a house. I mean I'm not doing it because anybody wants it "for" me but it does ruin the process. I mean its not going well and not a single person cares - my cat could die and people who give me a hug but no body gives a shit that I didn't get a house. I've been carrying around all these fears and tension over wanting something that no one even knows how to support. Jeebus I finally told my Mom and it was just incredible she had nothing to say - except oh really? - and it was like I could hear her thinking then it should be safe to start complaining about property taxes to guilt her into paying for mine. Like I'm rolling in the doe or something or I am no allowed to do this for myself without thinking of her first... Seriously "I want to try to buy a house!" her: "that reminds me my property taxes are due again".

Told my brother and all he said is he'd be nervous to... uhm, yeah meanwhile what he isn't saying is he mortgaged the house he and my other brothers live in without their knowledge so he could buy a corvette and pay for school... and there he sits jobless about to graduate. No good for you, good work getting your ducks in a row, or go for it - no, "oh I dunno, I'd be pretty nervous doing that right now".

Then there's D... well alreay bitched about him enough. Still hasn't said one understanding, consoling or supportive thing really. Meanwhile for all I know he is closing on an EXTRA house that he doesn't even need.

A few people are understand of what the process is like but other people - even some other people who've been through it - just sort of look at me when I talk about it like they have nothing to say, like they have no idea why I want it because I don't have kids or a new husband so?? and its like they have no idea what to say about it not going well except well, maybe you shouldn't do it but they can't say that.

Its hard to do something that no one wants for you, or no one is, say, proud of you for or even understands and I keep thinking in the back of my mind that a few people  are just thinking this makes me less attractive to a man so why am I doing it. I mean that's not a real valid reason for not doing something but everybody not wanting it for you is. All I can think of is who will I call when something goes wrong, nobody is gonna be there for me because they're just going to be thinking this wasn't my idea why is she bothering me? At least that's what I feel like it will be like. Especially D - can't call him when something goes wrong because he obviously doesn't agree with it, HE thinks I should get a condo so I can call the maintenance guy so he won't want to hear about any of it.... That's all I've been able to think about is me getting this place and there being no one around to support me in OWNING a home and if its this friggin' hard to just trying to find one to buy alone then why do I really want to do the rest of it alone?

Its sad to give it up, but its no as sad as doing it all alone. I'm not sure though what this means or how to look at the future. In a weird way I really do feel like people I know didn't know how to support this because THEY couldn't face a future alone so they didn't know how to do that with me. Like why am I buying a house, I'm suppose to build a nest with my mate and for my children - but if I'm not doing it for that then what does that mean? I don't need a man, I'm not going to have children and I'm okay with that? Its like they think I'm an alien. I told told one single person this and she thinks that's not true at all that they are just like wondering if they left the iron on and stuff. Sure I know that is partly true but if she'd heard the things that slipped out of peoples mouth about the time I moved up to WV for no reason, because I just needed a change and a new experience.

I can't help it if I was the only one in my family born with the novelty-seeking gene and I just happen to be a women - its not my fault. Sometimes I just need change or a challenge and I can't sit around waiting forever for some special guy to come along and understand that and not assume it means I don't need someone in my life. In a way I am sort of afraid my having a house would attract more idiots that assume my being a "strong" women means its okay to never be there or that all I must want is a shallow liberated sexual experience with them. I know that friend I mentioned would say I am putting a lot of words into a lot of mouths but face it - people ARE so stupid and assuming like that. Some idiot is gonna give me lip service to finding "strong women" attractive when what he really means is good I don't have to put much of an effort in and its no reason to live up to any expectation on my part that they will ever be there for any more complicated then a nice weekend. Meanwhile I will be dismissing him because he's useless to me and doesn't want anything good for me like them being there or loving me.

All this business of "being the right person instead of looking for the right person" is actually quite limited. I'm officially over 40 so finding a potential mate is getting incredibly less likely so being even more independent and less needy of a man isn't going to help my chances... I mean, hell, its not exactly gonna hurt them either at this point so who cares - just sayin'.

I miss thinking of myself as a home owner but I don't miss the dread of all the fears and lack of support its illuminated.

drizzly Sunday

Early this morning when I staggered into the kitchen to fish out some treats and give Tinker her medicine I had to pause a moment and look around as my mind gathered coherency. "wait, what is different?" I thought. "oh yeah, I don't dread the house hunting anymore".

Just happy there are no more houses to look at right now, nothing to do, no pressure - can't be disappointed and keep getting smacked in the face with all the FHA requirements and how impossible it is. No more looking on the Broward County Tax Apprisers website and getting a nasty surprise - cutting me off at the knees basically showing me I can't even qualify for a competitive offer before I can even get in the car to drive by it. Ugh no more ugly ratty neighborhoods. NO MORE SHORT SALES! OMG YAY!!! I don't have to face any of it, not the irritated bitch of a realtor or feeling like no body cares or doubts me, thinks I'm not doing the right thing. Whatever kiss off. Everybody can just kiss off.

Its like the first time you have the idea to run away from home when you are a kid - just seems like the perfect answer to everything and its so exciting thinking it might be possible to just get out of it all.

Today I wondered if I even wanted a house again. I mean if just finding a house that will work is only the beginning, screw it. I was completely wrong about the whole thing and I don't really want one. So sick of the knawing background pressure of knowing no one really wants this FOR me - I so don't feel it, don't feel like it means anything to anyone really. I don't even think it means what it once did anymore to me either. Its just this dreadful, thankless, punishing chore now. I don't feel like I am finding a home that will take care of me like I want to take care of it and no one really believes I can do that anyways... I don't know that I can ever really go back to how it was before just blindly renting and pretending I never really tried and that I didn't fail as much as drop out electively but nothing is going forward so what else am I supposed to do but take a step back?

Its so hard to maintain the vacation from it in my head so I keep thinking of this time I left this party and everyone looked up at one point or another just wondering what happened to me. Or so I was told later. People find it so unnerving the way I can just drop out quietly and sneak out - just disappear as if my magic, minus the poof of smoke. I looked around at people dancing and the lights hurt my eyes, the smoke smell was awful, the idiocy of a bunch of people getting drunk was boring the hell out of me, the overly loud thumping music was giving me a headache and all the little triangles/cliches and political bullshit was so high school - just the whole diatribe of social expectations was cramping my style, none of it was "me"... and then, ding!... Oh duh, I know, I'll just run away from home. And, I got away with it! I really can be a goo escape artist at times. 

Gawd and it felt so good getting away with it, I can remember walking out through the parking lot with a tiny mischievous thrill, and so relieved I brought my own car and no one person caught be by the door and whined that I couldn't go or whatever. Wohoo, I was free! By the time they realized I was gone I'd be half way home and untouchable. Turn off the cell phone, claim I was out of cell tower contact. I could roll the window down and listen to some nice soothing ballads on the way home, wash the smoke out of my hair when I got home in a nice hot shower, curl up with a good book while I ate a sweet snack with some cool milk and just sleep it all off - forget it ever happened or that I felt so boxed in.

I mean sometimes its nothing to do with getting away with something or escaping as much as it is just dropping out and doing your own thing and that just happening to leave everything in the dust unintentionally. I just think to myself I'd rather be doing something else and I don't think its my responsibility to explain my leaving. It was just time, got my own thing to do and its not my fault no one was paying attention or assuming I'd be running around behind them.... I can remember reading my Dad's eulogy and this one part that made me laugh with recognition and broke my heart at the same time - it was one of my Dad's childhood friends saying he had the most unnerving habit of getting up and leaving without saying a word - and it was this expression of a moment that I got, it was like on one hand the silences where that comfortable but then you'd just look up to say something to him and be a little jarred he was gone so quietly. I just identified with it and it was just so him too. It was like hearing how much my grandmother worried incessantly-  "oh so thaaat's where I get that from!." I was so happy to possess a part of them in who I was, it was a little bit less like they were gone permenantly.

I don't think this house search is very "me" anymore so I'm just gonna drop out for a while and just do me and see what happens that way. Lately I wish my Dad and my grandmother were around to want this for me a little, maybe even worry about me as much as I loath being protected I just wish it felt like there was a little more on my side in this. There is so much going against me, I'm completely lost touch with the good in it - how good this was supposed to be for me instead of this big dreadful disappointing misery.

more whining

no comments - seriously.

I'm still not over it, I've just never felt like such a failure. Its back to being personal and not very funny. I wish it would go back to just being nothing personal that it just wasn't meant to be because then I could tell myself all those happy lies other people tell - oh that just means something even bigger and better is waiting for you just around the corner.... uhm, yeah been around the block a few times now.

I still can't believe how pissy the realtor was with me. I feel totally alone again. She such  bitch after the personal crap she told me about, how I was her little captive therapist last Saturday. She just griped about how I was all over the place with these properties - I don't know what she is talking about there were 3, that's it - THREE. Three properties I asked the lender how much I could approve for, I thought that was the next step, call the lender and get the ball rolling. There is nothing wrong with considering 3 options, I mean ffs she was the one ripping one choice to shreds like it would never pass because there was a bump in the walk way in the back. So I had 2 other options we already discussed the super cute short sale I never thought I'd get and the fixer upper place that she thought for some reason might slide through FHA even though it didn't have any electrical outlet covers - true we could run around putting those on before inspection but she knows there were problems with the red tape in the background of that place so wtf?. I was gonna get an insurance quote on the short sale to see if we could make a competitive offer and if not then that left me with the bump-in-the-sidewalk. I don't see what's wrong with that course of action. 

But she acted like I was a 5 year old with bad table manners that she was tired of baby sitting or something. I've tried to be as independence, proactive and low-frills as possible because I don't like someone breathing down my damn neck through the whole process - I can't process that way, I need a little room and some quiet. I went by one place last night and I liked it it was quiet yet centrally located and I wanted to do it, I was ready to commit. I decided I didn't care what she said about the sidewalk and all her complaining about the termites - its woodwork, the place can be tented, the baseboards replaced and I could get on with my life, even be happy there. I get home and the place is contracted.

If the cat hadn't been so sick, if I didn't have work to do, if she hadn't gone on & on about the damn sidewalk like it was some kinda deal breaker, if the lender had returned my email a little sooner, if the taxes were a little lower... whatever. Another cclear cut case of this is not gonna happen. I don't think I ever understood the process anyway - the realtor who doesn't know a single thing about me is supposed to find it, but it has to FEEL RIGHT to me and yet I can't get emotional or invested and it has to pass FHA and it has to make sense as an investment and the lender has to say its okay and then the lawyer has to look at the contract and decide he thinks its okay - blahblahblah. Last night I was sitting in a restaurant staring off into the distance wonder where the hell the waiter was when it occurred to me how different the whole process is to another person who has a partner just because of the division of labor - maybe one person is good at numbers and the other person can be clear to be good at intuition because they don't have to worry about numbers. Or hell I dunno maybe they both suck at numbers but at least they can double check each other with a calculator and have someone to laugh with when they still get it wrong.

I wasn't intending to have a singles pity party, it just occurred to me how seldom it is that anyone is around to remind me how hard I am on myself. I mean, I can remember someone remarking with this flabbergasted awe one time a long time ago "wow, why are you so relentlessly hard on yourself?" and I can remember thinking.... well, nothing for a minute because I didn't know what the hell she was talking about. Was I being hard on myself? That's what its called? How is it supposed to be? I mean I guess I am "hard on myself" because there's no body there to tell me to stop or that I am being unfair. I mean all this time and it took that one person to stop and tell me that's what I was doing before I even realized such a problem could exist. And wtf its not like there is anyone around to make it any easier. There's no one around to check my math or do the math for me while I make dinner or do laundry or finish the ads that are due tomorrow or nurse the sick cat back to health or take the car in for a tune-up... I never even buy clothes that need dry cleaning because that's just one more stop I can't fit in ALL BY MYSELF.

Gawd I was so jammed up with all this millions of loose ends and my brain is so slow basted in generalize tension over managing everything, trying to protect and insulate myself and my cats and find something to promote our health and take care of my responsibilities that I just didn't have the whatever it is I need to speak up when the doctor was going over Tinker the first time. I mean I had a feeling it was her teeth but she never looked and I was so busy worried about Tinkers discomfort and what they were doing to get inside her ear that I didn't say anything... she's losing weight and not feeling good it must be the ear tumor, sure. So stupid - duh - its the teeth. Later when we had the doctor we usually see I felt so much better, not just because I like her - its that I like her because I see how much she cares and loves animals so I could trust her to take that pressure off me for those 20 minutes of the day and I free to do all the processing stuff I needed to do to interface with her knowledge. I wasn't as worried about Tink's discomfort (I mean, I hated the assistant who kept squishing her bad ear but I figured we didn't have to be there all day with him), I was more focused on the big picture and how we needed to take care of one thing at a time to get down to what was really wrong and how that was okay because Tink still had time and now that we discovered/diagnosed the tooth the course of action made intrinsic sense so I didn't walk away with another tiny kernel of "something doesn't feel quite right with this. Remind me, why are we treating her thyroid and not doing anything about the ear right now, again? I forgot but I guess well remember or it will be obvious after we finish the first course of medication... oh yeah I gotta pick up my prescription... oh shot I'm totally late for that thing across town, okay I gotta get the cat back, give her medicine, remember to check the iron and... yeah I guess I have to take 95 out there now... and wait there was something I was supposed to do on the way back (prescriptions)..."

I'm freakin' exhausted in the brain all the time - when I went to have my head examined once... well, actually it was memory testing... I was surprised to hear a week later that I tested above average in a couple of categories, average in others and superior in logic. I thought I was doing much worse but then it occurred to me that once again I was being hard on myself... or maybe life was. I just have a hard time with things because the personality type I have and there's no one around to take the pressure off - I perform fine under pressure, don't get me wrong, but I flourish under no-pressure circumstances in general. When things are a little more low-pressure I handle large pockets of pressure very well, but the pressure gets to intense or compound and I have had a chance to decompress I flake out and then I feel bad about flaking out and then everything starts to slide.... and I had depended on once superior memory and logic to compensate for a number of things like my mild learning disability or just the damn fact that I am INSF or whatever the hell it is.

What the hell - navel gazing never solved anything. I'm tapped out on the housing thing. I need about a week to decompress. I was gonna wait til I could different financing options lined up but there nothing happening there. Maybe when the new tax assessments come out in June things will be a little easier and I should just take a vacation til then but I can't even do that until Tinker has her tooth surgery and is outta the woods. I guess by then I'll feel differently but whatever the case when I do go back to looking I think I need a male realtor this time. And not a gay male realtor a hetro, non-emotional male realtor who is married, has no interest in sleeping with me and is good with numbers and calling people til he gets a damn answer so I can make my decision.

the flippers, the homesteaders & the ever homeless

today is feeling like the longest gloomiest day even though I got a huge boost this morning from seeing that Tinker might be okay after all. I'm just kinda sleep deprived I guess and not thinking right.

I took a nap with Tinker, played with Indi kitty and then ran some errands - while I was in Target I talked to the Realtor and it was a weird, kinda ick conversation. I asked her if there was anything new and she got all irritated asking me what I mean because she wasn't aware that she was supposed to be doing anything and I was gonna let her know - and I said allllrrright then, lets recap. Went over the three houses we were considering and how none of them would work because of what I wouldn't qualify for on them unless she felt it was advisable to go ahead and low-ball the one REO knowing we could do anything more on it if they countered and she said yeah on that one it probably couldn't hurt... of course in my head I am thinking "there you just advised me a.k.a. your job - was that so hard?"

It sort of hurt my feelings a little that she was so irritated about how I am "off in 5 different directions" but it also irked me just enough to make me mad or just enough to find it humorous - I couldn't decide which. I mean I felt bad for dragging her around to 9 different properties but its not like I would have had any idea from the other houses I already qualified on that these would all be a waste of time.... I dunno, maybe she is right - I'm lost, no one can help me and I should just stop like I keep saying I am going to.

Just really seemed like a hit I didn't need today, I feel like crawling in a hole to heal for a little while but part of me wanted to just ditch her because of how doubtful she seemed of the house I liked with the code violation. And then the way she kept picking apart the house I thought was cute the other day... and she wonders why I am so confused? I suppose maybe she was just playing devils advocate which I usually appreciate but damn it was like holding up a dress in a department store and you girlfriend going on & on about how sorry the color is or how that material makes *her* itch or something.

Man, I just sat there in the dressing room for 10 minutes after we hung up, staring at the hangers on the floor and the marks on the wall. It occurred to me that sometimes the question isn't why is it so hard to continue as much as it is why is it so hard to quit? Seems like I should be able to at least for a little while but I just can't for some reason. And I know it puts me in a bad desperate position to be so obsessive this way - "thee house should be there if I decided to look three months from now. Well, I guess if you believed in all that meant to be crap that would be the logic - if it was meant to be then THEE HOUSE will be there a month from now or 3,5,7 months from now. But that doesn't help me because I'm lost in it all right now.

I'm gonna try to research the code violation but otherwise maybe that's enough for now. I just wish there was something more meaningful to go on to - I just kept thinking how much I wished I was flipping a house. The lender filled me in on the guidelines - and - SURPRISE! of course it won't pass whatever guideline. Don't even know if its FHA this time, don't really care. She needs to have either had the house for longer then 6 months and be limited to no more then 10% of what she paid for it or she needs to wait for a year, because then it doesn't matter how much of a profit she is looking to make on it. It is a cute house but its not worth waiting 5 months and I'm pretty sure she wants a little more then 10% on her investment before then anyways.

I was gonna just offer on the little house I thought was kinda cute just to feel like I was trying but everybody and there brother says that not feeling to great about a place and offering on it just to get somewhere to live is not the right way to go about it. The evil part of me wanted to do it anyway just to be contrary in hopes of pioneering a new outlook but I think they are probably right on this one.

shady street

... and not in the good way.

I'm still coming down from the cat scare but I was also feeling so good and hopeful after the Vet visit that I went to go see a house. Its a cute lil house and its off to a good start with renovations but I'm not sure I want it in the right way - I mean I almost wanted to buy it just because I liked the lady so much and she said she'd even paint it whatever color I chose.

Then when I was in the car back home to check on Tink and take a nap I just felt sorta indifferent. Like I dunno, kinda close to the highway, not a great street and I wasn't crazy about the neighbors and whatever kinda business they are running outta their house. They were using this noisy compressor the first time I stopped by and just standing around in the carport staring at us amid the many many bottles of assorted colored liquors that undoubtably go with whatever the hell it was they were doing today. As I drove away I just sort of slumped in my seat a little more - an all over expression of how I was feeling about the whole thing.

And I don't know why I still feel so bummed out about the house that was already contracted before I could even see it the other day. It just made me feel like I was missing out. Today when I spoke to the lady who was fixing up that house to sell I was envious but not the gritty, grinding of teeth envious - more of a happy kinda envy. Like I felt more exuberant having contact with someone doing what i want to do. How do I get that money together and do that? Gawd I wish I had the money I'd quit my job tomorrow and just do it because I love it. BUt back to the business of looking for my own house it's back to slumping down in my chair because I don't know where to restart. I know now how much of a difference the taxes really do make but I still don't see why it should totally stop me or hamstring me to the point where I feel like I have to settled for something that's not really feeling right to me. I think maybe taking a break is the right thing but I'm not sure if its just helping to believe it was never meant to be and these kinds of dreams are for someone else.

comical misery

Today was just so comical that when I opened this email from my lender I just started crying and laughing at the same time. I mean it was sooooo funny it was not funny except it was funny how not funny it was.

I thought it over last night and selected three options - one was the darling short sale, the next was a doable house a little ways away that needed elbow grease and termite abatement and the third was the other "tlc needed" option in Pompano that we suspected might have slightly bigger background problems but that maybe it would squeak by FHA... yeah well the lender quotes progressively lower qualifying amounts for each one and it's not just the credit contraction any more or the taxes its a f*&#^$%ing joke is what it is. 

I asked her what the deal was and she said she was simply calculating "Principle, interest, taxes associated to the property & estimated insurance....in relation to your gross monthly income & debts" ... except the mortgage rates have gone down over a percentage point since I started looking in November, the taxes aren't THAT much different on these properties and wtf? the last house was the oldest and the smallest, and closest to the coastline of them all so it damn sure ain't just the insurance... so what the hell is it? Just every time I ask it lowers 5,000 or so? because that's about the only formulation I can come up with. Qualified for 97,500 on the first one (which had outrageous taxes and bigger problems then the houses I am looking at now). Then I qualified for 95,000 on a house that was much much smaller, older but had about half the property taxes. And now I qualify for 90,000 and 80,000 on two houses that are about 5 blocks from one another with similar ages, taxes, square footage etc.

Ugh, maybe I should just wait til all the new TRIM notices come out if taxes really do make that much difference.

I don't think I care anymore - Tinker is noticeably worse today and last night, besides I just have to focus on work if I want to keep my clients happy and keep myself in business. So out of it today because Tink is barely eating and I think she is just gonna soar down hill like Zoe did when she got sick. Today was awful - I had to go to the print shop and leave her home wondering if she was gonna be okay when I got back and I just keep thinking she probably has cancer like Zoe did and there is nothing I can do for her except sit around and wait for her to waste away knowing she'll be gone, not wanting to see that last minute of life slip away or put her down ... except... damn it she was supposed to hold on for me. I'm just not ready to do this again. I can't stand the thought of just sitting around waiting for it while she slowly starves and lets go like life is just motling feathers or something. I just wanted to give her a nice screened in patio to sun herself in or a yard to explore in her last year or so.

brain dump, housing slump

I'm so undone by the house search. I just don't know why its not working today my realtor showed me something that she thought was great and I just hated it - HATED IT.... okay hate is a strong word, lets say I had adamant feelings of disinterest leading to intense dislike once pushed to consider it just because it had a good roof.

Ugh, she was just so excited because it had a pool and a good roof and all I could think is uh-oh how do I get out of this and tell her I dislike it so much? I mean it was alright, it just had a very very bad layout and there was nothing to do short of a major renovation that could fix it. There were annoying kids and a barking dog in the yard that backs it up it was right next to a school so you can only drive 15 mph 3 time periods every weekday - although mostly it was just the bad layout. It was just so crazy - this tiny cramped galley kitchen that went no where, the giant step down into the "family room" that was just an enclosed garage, the weird way that once you step inside the front door you are in the middle of the living room (as in hey can you get out of the way I'm trying to watch TV) and then the only exit in the rear of the house near the pool was through what they are calling a 3rd bedroom - all seems rather inconvenient. I guess it could be an office but seriously who wants the entire foot traffic of the house passing through that one room from the pool? The only other choice is to walk back up to the front of the house, left through the living room (which also had problems I won't bother to outline), left through the family room, out the other sliding glass doors and then down along the length of the house to get back to the pool... I re-drew the floorplan three times that there were just no ways to fix what was wrong with the house - ugh, and I hate narrow long hallways. Just no way to open it up and have it make sense OR closet space. I mean who the hell laid this thing out? Its like a glorified trailer.

And then for some reason the realtor was picking apart this other property I was gravitated to (well if I had to choose anyway). I think she wants me to try for the pool house but its not a good pool house, I can't just take it because it has a good roof and a pool. I honestly think I would hate living there even after 10's of thousands of dollars in an attempt to renovate it. The other alternative was the short sale we probably have no chance of getting and another months of limbo waiting for the rejection. I don't want to do it. She thinks we have a better chance at the pool house short sale because of this and that and she has an in with some guy and whatever - aside from my distaste with it - I honestly think short sales are a waste of MY time and my LACK of budget.

Today when I got home my head was just swimming with all the bad options. I feel like crap for disliking that house so much and having to tell her it just won't work. I just kept thinking of how a house is supposed to make one feel living in it and none of these places I've seen in the last two weeks really does it. There was this one place that once again as soon as we got in the car she tells me is under contract and I was so bummed because I got a little excited when I saw it yesterday. I hate that so much, I hate that I can't even get the least bit excited anymore. I don't see how I can continue either - its just so fruitless.

gut feelings for the guttless

I'm stilling having a hard time finding a house. It really sucks and I am fighting the feeling that it is just one more thing that apparently just isn't meant for me but damn every time we go out looking it gets harder.

We pulled up at this one house and again - I took one look and I could just tell it was crap. Bad additions, bad smell, bad roof - it won't pass FHA and I don't want it even if it does. Then another one was taken. Another one was on a busy street. Another one we kind of liked but won't pass FHA. Another one they canceled all showing that day.... just BLAH.

We did see one that we really liked a lot - terrazzo floors throughout, lots of big windows, normal sized bedrooms that you could actually get a bed into and still be able to walk around it instead of shimmy sideways around two sides. It had this big screened in patio and a garden area in the back with this big arched hedge and cute little gateway under it. The kitchen fixtures were old but I loved that most of it was original... but... its kinda close to the highway which is really noisy, I've never loved the neighborhood and its an ugly drive out of there on the industrial looking main road. Oh and of course it is another damn short sale. She called the listing agent and they have other offers close to the list price which I can't beat so I don't see the point. 

Frustrating - we might still offer on it but I have no confidence. We called the agent for the Hollywood house that I had loved but they aren't budging on the price they set. I think they are a little nuts but hey whatever - its just too much for a place that small no matter how nice it is. It needs a built-on extra family room if not an extra bathroom before its really worth what they are asking and the last time I drove by it at night I wasn't as in love with it.

From there we revisited this place in Pompano that - gawd - I just can't get with for some reason. The price is right, the roof seems to be good but it just doesn't feel right when I am standing in it. I can see things I would do with it (like put in a full tub in one bathroom, an island in the kitchen and an arch in the doorways here or there) but I'm not sure these things would ever make it "THEE House". It would just make a good flipping house but I don't have renovation money just sitting around. I wish I did because it would be cool to redo it and make some money but to live in for year to come? It just doesn't make it for some mysterious reason. And it isn't a thing where you burn some sage and suddenly its perfect for me.

After we got back in the car she asked me what my guts feeling was and I said "I dunno, I'm guttless". I'm conflicted about what is "right" and I just don't get that magical choir singing "right" feeling. I mean I got it with the Hollywood house but I felt different after the infatuation wore off a little and I noticed how small it really was and then of course it is sooooo NOT falling into place the way it is supposed to if it was "meant to be". Naturally people just want to say its just a matter of timing... ugh, that's about the second worse thing you can say right up next to "when its meant to be". It hasn't really been my experience that timing is on my side either. I mean I am trying not to force things that shouldn't need so much forcing but the timing thing - forget it I've already spent half my life waiting for things, if they don't want to happen then I have to move on to something else that I can get some movement on.

I had leveled out in my whole depression about the futility of it all but now I'm at the phase where people are asking "what's new, still looking for a house?" Ugh, so now if I stop I have to come up with an answer that doesn't make me feel like a total failure.

sticking point

I wish I understood how fixations work and how to get rid of them. People are always saying stuff like "let go" and it just isn't that easy. I mean stuff just sticks, ya know, its like trying to shake a piece of flyer paper off your hand without using your other hand because you don't want it to get stuck too.

Today I had a nice day and part of the reasons it was so nice was because there was this really nice, friend-of-a-friend who was paying special attention to me. We finally had an excuse for some time alone and he was noticing all these little things about me like my highlights or this ring I was wearing and asking questions about where I come from & stuff. Gawd, its been so long since I had some real, genuinely positive male attention I completely forgot what it was like and also forgot to get all suspicious and protective. It was remarkable how I felt afterward. I wanted him to like me but it wasn't hard like an effort - it was fun and much later I feel so much better about everything.

The only odd thing... well maybe its not that odd... when I was home and sort of daydreaming about him, wondering what it was like to kiss him or if anything would develop between us - I just suddenly started fantasizing about Crush. Like *click* uh, yeah, the good stuff! I just thought about all this stuff - the connection, kissing him, the last time we were together, just smiling at him and of course sex sex sex.... Gesh, why? We've had no contact, we're not even friends anymore, we didn't even have sex the last time we were together and that was quite a while ago now, so wtf?

I guess it makes a certain amount of sense to explore something imaginary with someone else because I don't want to get too far ahead of myself in my head with this real/current person/situation. It probably is just a go-to and it was the last time I really enjoyed this feeling and believed it was possible to have anything come of it. Easy enough explanation but why so sticky? Why switch off from something real and current back to that? It seems so old now, there's nothing useful left there anymore so it should be over with. I mean although I reflect on it here often in my day to day life its not a big deal, I don't feel that hung up on him or anything but on this other level apparently I am still somewhat fixated. In fact the last time I got involved with someone I even felt somewhat like I was being unfaithful to this daydream of a relationship I was in with this guy who isn't even around. It's just a very weird coping mechanism.

I suppose I just never really got the big "tease" out of my system so I'm stuck in resolution mode but maybe now I finally will get over it and "let go".

seriously, who let the dogs out already?

someone on that other site made a comment about wondering if I'd find a dream house or a dream guy first and it was supposed to be cute and hopeful but I didn't find it at all funny. It felt like a poke AT my expense, not laughing WITH me.

It just makes me want to, have to, go out and put an offer on the next very average house I think I could actually get and swear off all men for good - it just made me so damn mad. When have I ever wanted the "dream guy"? Or pretended to be making a real effort out of it? I have enough trouble finding one I can stand dating for a couple of weeks. And a dream house - why are these people not getting it? You don't get dream houses on a single income - not unless you are a lawyer or a doctor or your profession is being rich. I just want A home, okay, so stop it with the dream home garbage or it having to be even bigger or better then the last one I didn't get that I would have been perfectly happy with. Why do people not get how hurtful and taxing that is?

I went out to see another 5 houses yesterday and they are all smushed together in my mind because I'm not sure any of them will pass FHA - on my budget, in my price range that's the trick - just trying to find one that you can stand that doesn't have a crappy roof, mold, or a dozen code violations in an illegal amateur addition that someone added on 3 years ago. Its exhausting, and the inventory is moving faster now - they hit the magic price and *ding* they're gone - so this is not about a damn dream house!!!

And then if that weren't enough pain in the ass of a chore to manage my gay female friend made another cute sexy comment and maybe I shouldn't make a big deal out of it but I feel like I have to just decide now whether we can even continue being friends and get it over with before another loaded innuendo makes me feel ugly and feel like getting my sex organs totally removed. Gawd I hate it when "friends" hit on you! And she's just like another guy or dog sniffing my rear at every turn - like I said, it's exhausting! And worse it's really really mundane too. Just makes me so sad when did people get so pathetic? I mean what the hell happened, I used to be able to have guy friends but now if it weren't hard enough to find a man I want to have a relationship it as hard just finding a normal friend - gay, straight, female, male - whatever. 

Animals are the only good friends left - that's why I always liked them so much - you just have to watch out for dogs that wanna hump your leg and you're good.