One Pale Fire

forget that noise

Today I came full circle in my stress fit - I barely got any sleep so it was like I had no choice but to chill out from pure exhaustion. Well the massage did help...

While I was lying there shortly after he'd worked over my neck and I felt like I could breath again it occurred to me that I should just forget about everything that happened over a year ago - just forget it. It seemed so simple, then I was just wishing it was that simple but I know its not, one day not long from now something will happen, little brain pathways will fire up and before I know it I will be ruminating over some ridiculous thing like a relationship that didn't work out, or how someone abandoned a friendship or something. I just know it will happen - I will forget I thought this, forget how and I'll be stuck again.

So I thought I'd write it down.

And then I thought you know if I want to forget enough then I should be able to do it, damn it! Yeah, forget those people - they're not thinking about me, they're not sitting around pinning so fuck'em! Ha!

But then I remembered how my friend said today that she thinks about me all the time, she's just been crazy at work and exhausted which is why he haven't gone out in a while, It was nice because I didn't prompt it - it was nice to hear someone does think about her... okay so if anything ever happens with her then it would be okay to think about her for a while after we part.

... and my Gammy, she's always gonna be worth remembering... I should probably think of her more often in fact.

heal this

I can't help it if I just do not want to go to sleep yet... although I don't know why its not like I got anything done today. I mean I worked on that logo and ran an errand but otherwise it was just the run of the mill attempts at NOT obsessing about why the seller still hasn't gotten that addendum back to us. The listing agent doesn't seem to know either I mean it was nothing he hadn't already agreed to it was just a change in the way that one item would be exchanged. Making me nervous and starting to feel sick about it again.

I tried to think of other things today but it was tough the only news is much scarier and more unhappy then the house. Seems like good, happy healthy thoughts are a rarity these days. All I could do was go back to ogling refrigerators online and thinking about what I want to do with the place.... but then I had a horrible attack of guilt for ordering these exotic hard wood samples for the small room in the house I was gonna use as an office. I wonder just how badly unsustainable these woods are? I feel dumb that I don't know for some reason as if I should, like I order exotic Brazilian Cherry all the time. Ugh, I dunno what happened, one minute I was looking at bamboo, feeling bored and next thing I know I was ordering a sample of something called Purple Heart something-or-other because it looked so cool. You get three picks so I had Brazilian Koe and some kinda Cypress and DUH that was three.

Whatever it was just one small thing to worry about instead of thinking of everything else I don't want to think about. I sent an email and asked how my brother was doing and he sounds miserable and depressing as hell - yeah thanks, sorry I even bothered to ask. Seems like now suddenly he is afraid the unemployment benefits will run out and they think a cat died somehow. I can't think of anything encouraging or positive to say and undoubtably he is not interested if I could... jesh, just kinda wish there was someone to talk to about the house with - definitely can't bring that up now.

Horrible that I don't want to tell my own family I guess but I just know they'll hit me up for money or assume they have a place to stay for free now. Gawd I guess its more horrible I assume that then it is I don't tell them but I am so sick of feeling bad about everything today. I just want a day without more bad news and things to feel miserable or afraid about. I hope the swine flu victims will bet better and people will stop fighting so damn much. I just want peace and healing for one evening.

hit the ground... uhm, walking...

Man, I am supposed to get to bed but I can't stop thinking about the house. The budget going in is a bummer but I so want to just get started. 

The realtor has been great about giving me ideas on how to spruce it up and cut corners and she was also very good about helping primp it for the FHA inspector too but for some reason it irked me when she was fixing stuff and making these remarks about how if she was selling it she'd have had it cleaned and gotten another 20,000 for it... I dunno possessive or threatened I suppose but I think mostly I just wanted to be alone with it.

I'm starting to get ready to explore it on my own. I was really dying to open all the awnings and let in light and get to work on it. I have my game plan, I decided on a cleaning team, a popcorn removal guy, a handy man, I ordered floor samples for the office - I just want to get started! I want to sign everything so I can get an AC guy in there to look to look at the compressor because everything hinges on that as far as the budget goes. But then I can leap into action

1) get the termite treatments/repairs done.

2) get the compressor repaired & the ducts cleaned

3) get the popcorn ceilings removed & refinished

4) get the tack boards out of the terrazzo & take up all the vinyl flooring

5) have all the trash & non-functioning appliances removed

6) clean & scrub dirt, dust & smoke residue... for about 2 days

7) paint paint paint / have the handyman help with repairs

8) get to moving!

*sigh* but instead I have to sit and wait for "the process" to drag on... get the sellers signature for the addendum, get the appraisal, get the survey done, get the title search done, get the FHA inspection/approval, close the loan & sign my life away.... *thinks for a minute*... then I guess the official closing day? Gawd, not to mention all there is to do at the apartment packing and cleaning and dealing with the landlord.... So much more to do before I can have my moment alone with the house and get started on with it.

Its all fine and I want to take my time with the process to make sure everything is right but it involves this odd type of limbo and today when I was there taking measurements I was very aware of not being able to "bond" with either the house or the experience. I mean I just can't get all invested and it still doesn't seem very real.

needs me a bird bath

I had another one of those moments of understanding why people dumb themselves down with drugs and alcohol. Moods just can change so rapidly sometimes, I wish there was some baseline to work back to or a volume nob - and it just pisses me off so much sometimes too. It just makes no sense at all, these little reactions to thoughts that happen so quickly sometimes you don't have a chance to even recognize what exactly happened or why it matter so damn much. This morning I went out to the house to take some measurements and everything was mostly fine, I mean I did get a very mild little irk at the realtor sweeping up and messing with the facet in the bathroom for some reason - it was a possessive thing I guess, like I didn't want her touching MY house when I hadn't even fully discovered it yet. But then again I recognized there is still something of a hesitancy to invest myself fully anyway so I blew off that little momentary glitch. I understand that I might have the duality I often do with things where I want them to get done NOW but then I also need time to walk through this invisible process of adjusting to a big change. I hate having to slow down to do things in some prescribed way but then again there is no emotional road map for this. Still I know what's going on inside - hand me the keys and give me 20 minutes completely alone with this after the realtor and the lender and the seller and the closing agent and the whothehellelse has receded and THEN, only then will this be mine. This experience will be a kind of mine that can't get taken away. No matter what happens I can return to that moment in time and be safe inside it... I wanted to go around and open all of the hurricane awnings and let the light in but I settled for just one and taking measurements for the fridge, because she had another appointment to get to and M had canceled on the survey visit anyway so there was no point in staying now... I also resisted the temptation to leave a note on car of the neighbor who keeps parking in my car port... because it is of course not entirely my car port yet. Ownership is a weird thing - and its not about owning a piece of property - even the care, maintenance and ownership of emotions is a weird business. I think there are more emotions I would be happy to be responsible for and acknowledge if I got to chose them a little more then I am unhappily interrupted by them. I was sitting at the Diner later on in the morning checking my email on my phone and there was one address I only vaguely recognized but it had Crushes name in the subject line so I opened it and as I scanned the page I remembered - oh, I had signed up for some reunion site or people finder thing sometime ago in one of my fits and this was just another notice of information being found about this person in an attempt to bait me into $ubscribing to the site's services. I blew it off and went back to my eggs, corned beef hash and grits but of course, noooo, that couldn't just be the end of it. I had to get all down and sullen for no reason. I just sank down a few minutes later but the timing was so weird because by then I was thinking about the house again so what was I down about? Just change? Was I down on the house or was I down on Crush or was I sad about the tease of seeing his name or wtf? & What's wrong with these grits?!!! The coffee tasted so wonderful and warm 10 minutes ago now everything is all mashed together on the plate and with hash you wouldn't think it matters but it does. Ugh, just the sheer inconvenience of the down mood pissed me off, and then I got pissed at myself for being so irrationally angry at nothing. Idiot. I dunno maybe just seeing the house today but not really being able to do anything was kind of a tease too - maybe it was some sense of ownership impotence couple with how overwhelming it still is. And I sat there examining the difference between the surprise of seeing Crush's name in print and how all meaning is, in reality, absent now - I wish I had some lovely surprise to look forward to the way I used to so look forward to hearing from him. I used to not mind when he was out of touch for periods so much just because it was such a wonderful feeling when he popped back up. I was always so delighted to still have that spike in affection for him again & again. I don't feel anything for him now. I can delineate the difference of the non-relationship today versus having felt what I once did - and I could have sworn I made peace with it - but seeing his name was different for some reason. Its like the association game was all sideways, even his name is a little let down now whereas it used to be one of the little things I adored about him that would never change - he has an unusual name like I do and I used to relish at least that.... I wish I could instantaneously, selectively edit memories the way others seem to all the time - ya know like I could remember only the lovely, sweet things and nice rosy moments shared and just be very simply grateful for having had them once. Why can't I just look at it that way? I met this really cool, completely original guy once and it was so much fun to discover he liked me to - PERIOD - begin new chapter. Secretly as I tied up loose ends in my mind I was also a little unhappy I couldn't share even news of the house with him maybe you wouldn't believe it but I know he get an enormous kick out of it, he'd be genuinely happy and kind of proud of me too. Wish I could do that too, wish I could think of him getting married and feel all happy for my friend but instead now its all complicated and I feel like a very crappy friend for not being able to be less selfish.... I was remembering when I got the new car again - I shyed away from using it fawn over myself and didn't make a big deal but he spotted it in the parking lot outside of where we were sitting when he noticed me look at it more then once (he always noticed things like that) and when he kiddingly demanded I show it to him at once. He had this big warm smile - it just looked like the best news he'd heard all week and I guess he thought it was sort sweet that I was shy about it. Gawd I just loved seeing how tickled he was - like a bird in a bird bath, I just wanted to flutter around in it, splash, gargle and reveal in it, getting soaking wet wasn't nearly enough - sharing it with him made it feel new again except more real and wonderful all at the same time. Yay! new car!!! It said yes, it is okay to enjoy this and make a big deal about enjoying it because there is enough to go around. *sigh & kicks something under the table* I will have to go back to the Starbucks with the big guy - even if big guy isn't there maybe his boss is - the super nice big guy manager I kind of like him but think he is married or something. For weeks and weeks after I got the car on the rare occasions I'd see him, he used to ask me about it just to see me smile (he said later it never failed) - "yep, still love it" I'd reply. I like him so much, feel like I can be a big kid with him. Wish I knew where that kind of trust comes from and why it makes everything better and more real at the same time. He made a big deal when I told him about the house and demanded I at least take a Grande if I didn't get something from the pastry counter or live it up some other way but I resisted because of course the papers are not all signed... gawd I want the papers to be signed - as much as I sort of dread the work involved I would much prefer not to dread and fear that it could still fall through or be taken away somehow. I think if it all goes through I may have to renovate the little curious make shift fountain in the middle of the back yard or at least get a good birdbath and feeder. One day when I put in the french doors I can laze about on the love seat with my feet up reading the Sunday paper and look up to see birds fluttering around in it and making complete joyous fools of themselves like they were just baby chicks again.

house of blah

We had the inspection day and about the only thing that was remotely enjoyable was looking at the cute inspector dude.

No seriously bad news just a dozen things of varying expense and a lot of annoyance with the realtor down playing everything and talking about all this stuff I could do myself to save on.... meanwhile I keep thinking yeah where is all this money coming from again? And what was the point of buying a good roof again? And when exactly am I supposed to be doing all this DIY work? I mean I have a job that I need to maintain to pay for the house never mind all the materials I need and help I need for things I can't do. 

So many of the things were small, couple hundred bucks a piece, whatever but add in the fridge and the AC and soon there we are at 6,000... and that's being conservative... and that's not doing anything really nice... and that doesn't including remodeling a bathroom or a partial remodel of the kitchen... and that's before I get to do one single FUN thing like buy plants I want to landscape with.

I just kept looking at the list and feeling like my head was just gonna explode. Would I even be able to get half this stuff done to move in? Or will I have to live in squaller for a year while I wait for the equity to do anything with it... and who the hell is gonna want to room there while I do any of this stuff? I'm gonna do all this work and have to rent out a room to pay for it. I don't know if just made me feel so sick all over again because I don't feel like I have any choices really. And then I gotta keep listening to people call this house "the one" just because I can buy it and put all this work into it and it's making me so sick - the only reason I am really doing this is because I couldn't handle the thought of one more thing that wasn't meant to be for me, not because I am all in love with THIS house and excited as everyone wants me to be about it all. 

I mean I was there today and I kept trying to like the potential but there is just SOOOOO much to fix and update - all I am buying is a roof. Still makes not sense to me why I can't buy a house that has more to offer that just needs a roof. 4,000 for a roof and all the stuff her under the roof STARTS at 6,000 and goes up to 20,000. I was listening to the birds sing outside and it might be nice there but I'm going to be too busy to enjoy it. Hell maybe I could meet a nice tile guy at Home Depot but that isn't exactly a social life.... gawd, I could do all this stuff and still not be able to afford a basic set of curtains for the living room. That just depresses me, I feel like eating myself into a stupor.

For some reason it made me terribly sad and miss Crush again. Its so stupid I don't need to do this to myself and I am not in love with him anymore its just like, I dunno, like I want him to come back into my life and rescue me from the not-meant-to-be, even if it was just by being friends. I just think about him and wonder where he is and how he is doing and wishing we could talk - I'd feel so much better about everything going on in my life if we could just talk but he's gone, he doesn't exist and all I have is this fixxer-upper house that apparently I was meant for. This is what I was meant for, cutting corners and skimping on a to-do list as long as my forearm. I feel bad about having to skimp, I feel bad that that's all I deserve or something - low-grade skimpy materials and DIY imperfections in everything. I'm cheating myself all around, I don't have any options and I have to go around with a giant fake smile pretending I am jazzed out of my mind because I found "the one".

what's right is right

I think it must be PMS or something, man, not a single thing went right today, it was like swimming in mud. A real fight the whole way. I am so frustrated with my little external hard drives and I don't know what's wrong and my computer is all slow because I need to archive and clean the hardddrive except I don't have time and there are two projects I need to get done this weekend and the house inspection is Monday or Tuesday and...

Oh, yeah that was another thing that made me feel weird about the house - that plane that fell out of the sky today and dead center on a house cutting it in two - uhm, yeah that was only a couple of blocks away from the house I am buying. Poor old guy, but I just kept looking at footage this afternoon thinking once again how I never liked the neighborhood and soon it will be my home... then back to work with the dozens of little things that kept going wrong, two programs shut down, had to redo some stuff I had to wait to get all the pieces for... blahblahblah.

I was out putting some laundry in the dryer when the landlord got home and so I went ahead and told him I contracted a house finally and he seemed less then enthused which is to be expected I guess, but damn for some reason it made me hate this place all the more. I went to the store and when I came back someone was in my spot of all the empty spots including the one marked GUEST - it never fails I'm not even kidding when I say stuff like this happens every other week. Jeebus one day I was walking out to my car and the Mailman double parked behind me - it was like I am RIGHT HERE! Am I invisible and the thing that was so unreasonable about it is I am usually the ONLY ONE HOME DURING THE DAY. I'm not kidding - me and the guy that parks right next to me - 7 other spots divided on either side of us and she pulls up right behind our cars. I just had to look at her. Seriously? It makes me nuts, it happens all the time and people seem to think nothing of it SEVEN OTHER SPOTS to choose from but they block me in. Either its that or squeezing in between the cars and having to do the shimmy to get out of the car and then yesterday someone flipped my rear view mirror back leaving - HATE THIS PLACE.

If that wasn't enough the annoying drunk dude came back from whatever trip he was on and had the TV all loud and the damn dryer didn't completely dry my clothes.... I don't know why I am so unhappy today, it's just nothing seemed right. I was cleaning up my place and you'd think I'd look around and feel good. I didn't really, just grouped some stuff together to put in storage so the place will look less cluttered when they show it... its PMS but I am feeling anxious and already a little emotional and scared about the move. I have been here almost 4 years. Its a big change over to the neighborhood where planes fall from the sky.

We got the contract today and it pissed me off the guy took all this time getting it back to us and he fiddled with the math in such a way that he gets $120. more then we agreed on. Whatever its just the fact that its open season so now everybody and their brother until the moment i close will be nickel & diming me. What really ticked me off is where he scribbled in "and treatment" in the part where the lawyer wrote in that there would be a cap on the termite REPAIRS. Bastard. So now if it cost anything more then $1,500 to tent the place then  I have to pay the rest. Well guess what? if anything comes back on the termite report I might just screw the deal. It just made me so mad. Now it starts and I have to be Mr. Accountant or I could end up bleeding money and I don't think I am going to have that much to get started with anyway.

I dunno I just looked at it and felt so put off by the whole thing somehow. Is it really just fear or is this the wrong place. Yesterday I was giddy thinking about all the room I'd have for what I am paying in rent right now, today I am thinking about weeds and a lawn service and for some reason I am feeling sad. I just sat and cried and I have absolutely no idea why. This isn't really what I wanted but I couldn't do any better. I know I really really really tried and I didn't want to do it anymore because it was making me want to kill myself but now... buyer's remorse is setting in a little early. It just bums me out they are fucking with us over $120 bucks ad they took so long to sign it. I'm told its typical but for some reason that didn't make me feel any better.

Definitely PMS, I just know this kind of depression. All I could do today was let it settle. I felt heartbroken when I thought about the house for some reason. Its so weird people are saying congratulations and I keep sort of blanking out when they say it like I just bought a new pair of socks or something and am thinking what? This old thing? I wanted to do some more of that campaigning on behalf of this not being the dream scenario and stuff like that. I am not sure why but it sure made me sad like maybe I missed out on something except I realized how much I didn't want that certain something. I mean what's really supposed to be worse having the dream house and noone to share it with? Or settling on this place any still having to do it alone anyways? In a way I still feel better about this because its not like I am ruining the whole fantasy or something, or making myself horribly lonely thinking about how I will never have this experience with someone. I'll never be a house buying virgin but I'll never have this with someone. Having some totally delightful house just seemed worse somehow. 

I don't believe it was out there - I mean there are some hard realities about my situation that make the dream house less likey then winning the lottery - but it was more like any house could have seemed lovely with the right person and this was all just missing something from the beginning. It is supposed to be good that I go out and get these things for myself but it doesn't feel that way right now. If the house was more lovely or right I think I would have just felt that dying in it alone was more real somehow too. This whole meant to be thing - like if I found some ideal house and I got it, if it was "meant to be" I'd be alone in it thinking how alone I am apparently meant to be.  I didn't want that, I simply can't do that or face that again. And am I really supposed to feel bad about that? I mean I did a pretty damn good job guzzling down the previous 3 gallons of crap that apparently wasn't meant to be for me somehow... This way its not like I am ruining that much of the dream that I was apparently meant to dream alone... I'm not taking on too much and not not so heartbroken over what will never be - this is just me doing the best I can alone and that's right for me. I can relax with this one. Its really a very good kind of safe.

I just felt like I was saying goodbye to something today and it made me sad and irritable. Thank gawd it wasn't too hard because there was no one to hug it out with. Maybe it was just the meant to be tripe I didn't get to take part in that I felt a little sad over but I think it was just apartment-girl. I'm taking on this big thing and I am excited and proud of myself but I still have growing pains ahead of me. And no one to share that with either. I miss that, I miss having a partner. I was thinking about the way Craig and I handled things during the storm and damn I was good in a couple. I was a good partner because I loved having one.

excited but still no contract

every new step I get a little more excited... we still don't have a contract but we were told that aren't taking anymore offers and we should have it tonight. I hope we do because it'll be a big step - finally I can hire an inspector!

I talked to one guy today and I liked him, he answered all my questions and it sounds like he can give me the kind of detailed inspection I need including the Windstorm so I could possibly get my insurance lowered. Then we have to fix whatever we need and pass it on to the appraiser and FHA qualifying.... Gawd, after that I don't know what else there is for me to do beside hand out money and wait to hear back from everybody. I mean, I know it will be more complicated then that along the way but I already dropped off everything the loan officer wanted and hopefully things won't be too crazy complicated after this.

I keep sitting here trying not to get too excited but I can't wait to get to the next step closer to getting started on actually cleaning the place up to move in. OMG, there is so much work to do just cleaning up my own place to show well so it will get rented out... still not sure when I should be telling the landlord.

The only thing that's hard right now is focusing on work, I would os much rather be thinking of the house. Work has sort of sucked a little bit lately - thing are just not going well with one of D's customers and this other one slowed down to it just either bugging him for more information or approvals or waiting on them to get back to me. I know I need to shift focus, its just like I said, I don't wanna 'cause nothing much is going on.

Hopefully the inspection is next week but I am also doing a walk-through with my General Contractor friend to put together a priority list and decide what I can afford to do first. I know it needs a couple of hours of scrubbing like mad, spraying with Kills to get rid of the odor and then I guess move on to painting and getting a fridge. But I also wanted to get that popcorn stuff on the living room ceiling removed and resurfaced, and then also maybe put in a bamboo floor on the office floor. I have an idea of the bamboo costs because its not a big room but I have no idea what the popcorn removal will cost because its a bigger room.... lett getting way ahead of myself, we just need the contract to come in tomorrow and deal with the rest next week.

tick tick tick

Kinda disgusted with things and growing depressed again. The sellers are dragging their feet and we don't know if they are screwing around with us. First they countered, we countered, they thought it sounded alright, then they needed to "think about it", then they took all weekend and finally came back with a yes and a change in terms... and now?... nothing. They were supposed to have the contract back to us and the they needed to talk to the lawyer, and now here we are freakin' bottom of Wednesday and nothing.

I think they are screwing with is and they want a cash buyer or something. Why does everybody in the business of selling a house have to be such a jerk about it. So sick of getting screwed with, used and jerked around. Like it isn't hard enough to find something with decent taxes or one that will pass FHA and then negotiate it/agree on. I mean I GUESS its better then a month from now when we are half way through closing and I can't get the deposits and stuff back. Just this whole thing. Why can't they just sign the papers, I just feel like the whole process will be like this and take 3 months.

I dropped off the paperwork at the lenders because they would need to get started immediately and while I was there signing half my life away I started to feel like I was just going through the motions kinda insulated from reality. I mean I get these little moments where I am really excited about this but then I am sitting there being congratulated and it doesn't feel quite real, I kept hoping I wasn't jinxing it by drawing up the paperwork.

Later when I was having dinner is when I started to feel sort of down like it isn't going to happen and I kept telling myself it would be fine if it didn't but... Gawd, I just hate limbo. It's like I've had one too many miscarriages and I just can't tell anyone about it yet so I have to kinda side step what I am up to when people ask because they'll shriek and say "CONGRATS!!! OMG!!!!" and I will feel sure it is never going to happen or its not right somehow.

It's weird how I feel about this house - one minute I am excited about getting to work and renovating it and then another minute I feel like it won't be a bad thing is if doesn't go through.

Who knows.

in dah hizhouse!

There is such the drama going on at the other site I used to hang out at - over the stupidest thing. Someone made a comment on someone's user pic and now a dozen people have come to the poor lil thing's rescue by posting a dozen similar pictures. These people don't even know the guy or especially liked him before yesterday, its all just lemmings over-reacting the way they always do. What a sensitive bunch. Its all very cute in a way, well not so much given the nature of the picture it begun with but, whatever, I am happy to say I officially don't have the time for such crap because I am finally under contract!

My gawd, I can't even get that excited yet over the house for all the disbelief and the full understanding this is just the very beginning of a lot of paper signing and hoop jumping but it is nice to finally get to this point and have my terms accepted. They put a $1,500 cap on the termite abatement and asked for 60 days closing but it's all good with me. I mean I really want to close sooner but there is a lot to do to clear the estate's affairs and I suppose it will work for my landlords finding a new tenant too. The termite thing is hopefully not going to be a big deal, I mean we didn't see any obvious signs of infestation (seriously the cigarette smoke probably put the little critter off the woodwork inside), we just put it in there to cover us because there was so much signs in the other houses we'd seen.

Man oh man, I thought I'd never even get this far and I hated mortgaging in my closing costs but at least the payments will be where I can handle them!! And I don't absolutely have to have a roommate, I might have one now & then just to get a little housing fund together but I have a lot of work to do before anyone would even want to live there so I am glad I don't have to sit around bitting my nails over it.... its just man there is so much work to do, I don't know where I will start. *poof* okay putting that all back out of my mind for now, just need to concentrate on getting the loan app officially dotted/crossed, submitted and underwritten and then on to find an inspector. After I get through that I can start staging my own apartment to get that rented before I move out. A million things to do!!!

grrrr

so all that is left of the budding sinus infection or whatever it was this week is this dry itch in my throat. Makes trying to sleep so much fun. 

Otherwise however I am both bored and agitated out of my mind so that gives me something to obsess over while I am not sleeping. I am so pissed over this stupid assed house deal but everytime I try to open an email to tell my realtor to just go ahead and give them the damn 2,000 bucks that is supposedly holding up this deal I get even more angry with myself for giving in. I mean ffs I met the seller over halfway on his counter offer and the listing agent thought that would do it yesterday but now today the seller "is thinking about it". 

Yeah thinking over 2,000 bucks when I've already mortgaged in my own closing costs. Let's see what's the interest and principal on about 6,000 or so over 30 years?... I'm not saying my realtor didn't earn every penny of her commission It just pisses me off the whole racket coming and going and NO BODY in this is looking out for me except my closing agent. Then even if the deal does go through I will be handing out money for the next 3 months one way or another just trying to get set up in my new dirty filthy shack and then I got my realtor or D saying but just think what you can do with it when you get a little equity going. Yeah mind telling me when that magical equity will arrive? So then I'm gonna add another 20,000 loan ontop of what I already mortgaged just so I can bring this place up to the comparables on the street? And that means another 20,000 I have to get out of it if I ever want to move or a mandatory roommate situation if I wanna stay.

I mean I know houses are all money pits but seriously look at this place - 20,000 is half DIY and chincy materials, it needs more like 30,000. And it just galled me today to listen to D talk about it, like all you have to do is buy a place - any place - and wait 1 year and make money by sweeping it regularly. All I kept thinking was with him shopping for a flip house needing sweat equity with his 2 guy friends - well, there are 3 guys I can't bribe with pizza and beer to get my lawn sodded or am fridge moved into place, and gesh I need another friend with a truck and.... damn it I have a job I have to get back to!!! I mean I need a clean, cool, dust free room to work in not a freakin' construction zone... and while we are at it what roommate is gonna wanna live there with 2 cats and mini construction projects going on every weekend? That reminds me I can only have male roommates that can lift heavy objects.

I am just so pissed over this whole thing now. I think its because the linoleum floor in the kitchen reminds me of the sad little cluttered gross little house I grew up in. Even not having friends to help lay sod or move makes me feel sorta poor again. I worked so hard to make a stable relatively pleasant living condition for myself and I'm just angry about giving it up and having to work even harder on top of it, alone. And it's not even like it is some nice neighborhood with nice looking couple of blocks leading up to it, its just this skanky very average, has always been average part of town. Its not like its suddenly gonna take off next year and be the hot spot of tree-lined gentrified beauty or something. Its just blah North Andrews with somewhat sketchy industrial surroundings. I mean these people saw down trees that get too big to save on insurance so it will always be what it is now.

So pissed, I just keep thinking how I have to mortgage myself up to here for the privilege of becoming head linoleum tiled scraper. And its not the dirt, I mean, I'd rather being doing yard work, its just living somewhere where everything is so ugly and run-down and orange with nicotine and then having to work there too. Siting there all day staring at those yellow dingy kitchen cabinets when I'm not working, just dreaming about the day I can finally replace them with something where the doors actually close. Ugh and the floor in the office, omg, so ugly - I can just sit around staring at that contemplating how I can't afford to do anything with it.