One Pale Fire

disappointed & disjointed

So the first closing date fell through due to the seller's lawyer and I am getting a ground level view of how a deal can fall apart. 

Everybody is starting to get snippy and touchy about communication means and communication STYLE - as in "tone". Then they start getting snippy with each other and misinforming the other as to what this guy or that said - its so ridiculous - its supposed to be my freaking house so if anyone is gonna get snippy its me. Every body else needs to STFU already and play extra nice cause Mommy has a migraine over this.

Meanwhile, I'm so disappointed.

Its just a good thing I am on SSRI's now, or else I'd be despondent over this by now. We set the new closing date but I am naturally incredulous as to it actually happening now - especially listening to everyone's attitude about who didn't call who and whether or not a voice mail was left. I am doing my best not to just shut down. I made some phone calls just to double check everyone was in the loop and make sure they are being nice and that's about all I can do. 

I don't think I ever want to buy a house again after this, it is such unholy convoluted non-sense just to get 5 people to one table to sign a few pieces of paper to "record" a transaction. I mean my god the work that has gone into just finding a house and agreeing on a price is only the beginning.

I did my part so I think its time for an early dinner, drinks and a movie.

getting nowhere fast

I still can't find any boxes - its been raining so anything left out (a rarity these days to begin with) are all soggy.

I also still don't have the final closing statement - I am hoping it will be tomorrow but the closing agent warned me he might not have the final amount ready until a couple of hours before closing. Naturally I am loving this (not). Just drives me crazy like its some big mystery or something - I didn't want an exact dollar amount down to the cents, I just wanted to compare it to the GFE and check-off my prepaid items to see what the hell was left over to actually move and renovate with, I mean I have a general idea but I'm all nervous about even buying a fridge... but instead I am still trying to find ways not to go nuts.

So I ended up on this site I barely ever go on anymore where someone had contacted me wanting to make an acquaintance. He actually sounds pretty cool but of course all this did is get my heckles up because I was actually a little attracted.  Oh, I don't know what to do anymore about these little freak-outs the minute someone is remotely interested. Its like I am scared to death to be myself because that means getting hurt to me and I don't know what else they want from me so I have no idea what to do with any of it - I just feel freaked out and confused. Its not quite as bad as the PTSD feelings but its still so persistent and I keep thinking there has got to be some other way to deal with it other then complete avoidance. I tried just pushing through it but that hasn't worked so far.

I was going to talk my therapist but all she'll say is it takes time to heal and blahblahblah - I just end up feeling heartbroken for me in a way that doesn't seem will ever mend and furthermore like my not healing is better for her bottom line so I can't even really trust her anymore then anyone else in the world anyway so how can all the mental petting be good for me? That's not what I want, I want some techniques and real advice on how to move forward or where to look for relief... or even, I dunno ways to tell I am getting any better... All I have right now is the fact that I don't relive it all the time. Although I am still relating it to things with Crush. I just feel like if I don't set things right with him somehow it will always be like this with me and I'll never get a way to reset the bone. I just can't understand things and I have no faith in him anymore. I mean I can't even be resolute that he is just a jerk who hurt me and was looking to take advantage of me and lied about everything he said. The other way around doesn't sit too comfortably or make sense either, and they don't coexist at all no matter how much I try to explain it to myself.

What I hate about this most is just wanting so desperately to hide what a nervous freak I am because I have no idea how to explain it other then I am hypersensitive and I just have trouble letting go. I mean I just know this is not normal and I don't have any confidence it will just be accepted without explanation so I feel like even a bigger freak. I see them being interested and suddenly I am so self-aware of fears that I couldn't even explain it if I wanted to so I just go back to avoidance... all the while I wishing I had a chance to talk to Crush about it and restore some faith... but that's not going to happen so *shrug*.

Unsent letters never work so about the only thing I am left with is pretending the last 4 years never happened - not X, not Crush, none of it. Sometimes that actually works for a few minutes when I can convince myself of how different things are but its ironic that confronting changes make you reflect on the past. Its been a year since I had that one pivotal talk with Crush and leaving this particular apartment makes me reflect a bit on X too - although I am thankful that is pretty comfortable now... so I guess I have another year or two before I am over the Crush thing? Great then I'm all set.

is the first the best?

okay I have to say it, no offense intended to Sotomayor, but her nomination for the Supreme Court really bugs the shit out of me. I don't know about her but I wouldn't consider it a real feather in my cap to be chosen because I was a woman and because I am Hispanic and what's more I can't believe pushing the racial/gender specs out front of everything else doesn't bother a lot of other people more. It seems that there is this whole affirmative action mentality where its not okay to to discuss or discriminate based on race/gender (which is still quite prevalent but invisible in everyday life regardless) but it IS okay to choose someone for the racial bonus points or for the sake of ringing the "first" bell to make a landmark out of the administration's decision. What about "the first diabetic Supreme Court Justice"? or a "first heterosexual but somewhat sexually experimental in college Supreme Court Justice"? Who was "the first Blond Supreme Court Justice" by the way? *eye roll* I can't even decide if it is the group mentality of making such a big affirmative deal out of her background or whether the administration really did shop that criteria or whether its just the lame ass media harping on it that bugs me so much. All I know is with all the pomp & circumstance surrounding her profile its just impossible to feel totally confident about her qualifications when living with the title "the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice" for as long as she is alive, if she is confirmed. Once again, maybe she is just the right person for the job and she is immensely qualified - I don't know - but I would hate that title in front of everything I do for the rest of my life. Although I must admit I bet she is tough and I secretly hope she breaks out in spanish profanity when arguing with Scalia about the "dead constitution". That guy drives me nuts, anybody is better then him. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090527/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_obama_supreme_court

little green

I wonder how interested anyone would be in a painting party - ya know, a bunch of paint brushes and buckets, a couple of rollers - boom, would have the rooms painted in a ouple of hours. Well, maybe I should do the priming at least. Need a case of beer pizzas... paint... Gawd how many people would actually come I wonder? A, D, J, C, and maybe B? But D couldn't bring the kids because that'd be a disaster so S is definitely out. But I'd have to pick all the colors and buy all the paint before anything happens. I'm just not sure what to have people sitting on if there is no furniture moved in yet. Some lawn furniture and folding chairs? Today this guy at the cook-out at D's place was going on & on about his house and what a pain in the ass everything is, like mowing the lawn or his back roof keeps leaking. I am still a little freaked out, thinking maybe I need a roommate just to help with the lawn or at least pay for the lawn service... wait I might need to install the sod first. Oh gesh - ok not thinking about all that right now. Still excited, just man, its a lot. You know I was over at D's house today and I can't get over what an ugly color they chose for the house. D doesn't care so it was mostly S but I can't get over how bad it looks - its like this kinda pukey avocado color with white trim - the white trim is nice but the color of the house clashes with all the foliage around it. And I do mean ALL. It should have been a tint lighter then just one of the greens around it but instead it blends in because the tone is too dark and the hue clashes with everything... I know this might seem awful of me to go on about but what really got me is that the family room accent wall is, guess what? Yep, green, a similar green to outside, similar tone, better hue... oh and the couch? Yep green too, a more gray muted green but same tonal value. The funniest thing is she complains about the red kitchen all the time, in fact when they first moved in she complained about every color in the place and slowly over time everything has become, green, white or beige... and the red kitchen tile? I bet you $50 bucks when she nags him into redoing it it will be... wait for it.... green. Its just sort of funny, she probably really misses avocado green appliances. I keep thinking about colors for my house and I can barely even look at a green paint chip after spending the afternoon over there. Ironically I am considering the other green though - the green as in environmentally, sustainably green. But I am not sure that it will work in the smoking room - I think I might have to resort to the harsh stuff to really seal it properly from smelling so bad. So I guess I will go green in the rest of the house and just do the living room in the hard core stuff this time around.

sheep landscapers

The home show I went to was kinda lack luster, nothing was all that exciting unless you have unlimited amounts of money to invest in your enormous house. Its not that it was useless being there but I guess perhaps I was slightly frustrated because I still can't spend money on the house I still haven't closed on and I won't have much of a budget when when I can spend for it.

Then I came face to face with my own gardening snob - I saw a few garden booths and one big display piece that I actually thought was quite awful. Ugh, this one landscaper was pathetic - he did a lot of big new homes but they all looked EXACTLY the same. It was incredible how little they differed. All he did was these lame little clumps of flower beds under palm trees or side beds in a wavy pattern overlooking a boring lawn. No stones, no interesting pathways, no sculptures, no archtectural elements or even simple wrought iron gateways or archs - just the same 6 kinds of expensive palm trees and tropical beds and plain lawns. 

Seriously just the sheer amounts of palm trees in every "case study" alone was irritating and monotonous to look at. The worse part is he didn't even use them very well, it was just like a poka dot of palm trees or a "showcase design" featuring one really expensive type of palm tree in the middle. I hate people who sell other people expensive stuff just because its expensive and get them to believe other people will be impressed that they wasted $5,000 a piece on some certain kind of date palm - its a freakin palm tree, we have 100 species of them down here most people would care less about identifying which is the expensive one. And what kills me is only like 2 are even native and you barely see them featured in landscape designs at all. Buying a bunch of palm trees or a few extremely expensive palm trees doesn't just make you a follower - it makes you a really stupid follower of common cliches. Buying into some kind of "status" rather then the plant and how it works in a design is worse then appreciating what some people consider a common "weed" on non-native species.

Oh man, I have no idea what my problem is or why I have such a bad attitude today. I dunno, maybe I should be doing more types of design or something myself and be less judgmental - but it just pissed me off. Stupid sheep.

I have a date!

I have a date!

.... a closing date!

this is the most excited I have been about a date since last year when I had a date with Crush!... gawd, this date is gonna be so much better and without the blue balls! (sorry I really don't know what the female equivilent is).

I have just been on a high all day since the lawyer called this morning. Never been so happy to hear from a lawyer in my entire life! He said everything is nearly done with the probate/estate lawyer, just one more round of signatures and it should be in the courier Monday. From there it is just the closing statement, setting a time & place and a couple of good pens to sign my life away with.

I spoke to the lender today and they nearly got everything together on their end too - just had to sign a quick statement about a few items on my credit report today but they said everything looked good and I was okay to order the utility switch while they finish up the rest for next Friday.... so that's exactly what I did. Gawd, it still doesn't feel quite real though, guest I need to cold hard key in my hand.

I was making myself crazy just fidgeting so I went to the home show after the appropriate primping. I looked great and I was in such a good mood I didn't even care if Crush had been there. I mean I was almost disappointed he wasn't because I was feeling so good but then again I was happy not to have anything upset my day - I just walked around and looked at all the stuff for houses there. It was pretty overwhelming to tread in the shark pool but there were no feeding frenzy and plenty of other marks to take the pressure off.

After I left I just saw around staring off into the distance at home with the TV on because all the finances started to dawn on me again - not the house so much as the moving in expenses to get it going along with how much I owe in taxes - gesh, I really really have to push the deductions next year even with all the first year house stuff and the homebuyer tax credit I already have coming to me. And then I was thinking about whether the roommate would really help as much as they would inconvenience the living situation, I mean I just don't know. Seems like most people are looking for a furnished room and that is money I just do not have right now.... then I got cross-eyed so I had to stop thinking about it and go back to being excited to get in there and peel up the linoleum!

I talked to both the Termite Guy and the General Contractor who is doing the rafters and both of them are good to get started I think. I mean I had to press the GC a little bit but I think she'll pull through... gawd, I dunno she is a damn GC though, they are all notoriously bad about scheduling. *shrug* still don't care just happy I made it this far in the process and can't wait to sign off and get the key!

selling the drama

I still think Cheney is Satan... or, ya know, just really REALLY deluded... but as long as he is willing to put his money and his ASS where his own mouth is then I am happy he is so outspoken. Kinda disgusted listening to him personally but happy he is running his mouth.

I would even tend to agree with one point he made - as long as he is willing to remain so vocal - we should release the documents. He feels so strong about the intel then let him stand behind it while the world decides. I am being completely serious when I say that if we have to drop our pants on the waterboarding issue to get some closure on all of Gitmo & the war then I totally am up for it regardless of the risks. And its not that I personally believe 911-the-sequel/tickticktick/WMD/Iraq/al-Qa'ida was a package deal and that it will all come out clean in the wash. I mean, I understand there are underlying relationships there we could continue to argue about but I am more concerned that unless 1) stop selling it as a package deal and 2) we hold ourselves accountable in some small way - then it will be open season on our men no matter what part of the world they are in or what they are doing there aside from being an American in the wrong place at the wrong time. Why isn't that just as worthy a threat in the long run to making the world safer for everyone?

I am just so sick to death of being told that torture is not terrorism if you are waging a war ON terrorism - its a distinction without a real difference in my eyes. Being the world's self-appointed town Marshal doesn't make us safer or better then anyone else. I don't think because you scale terrorism down one-on-one and keep telling yourself there was a ticking bomb and that the information is reliable that that makes everything okay - why not just admit that we bought the terror in "terrorism" line & sinker and we over-reacted just a little bit?

The attacks on 911 killed 3,000 and the war has taken 5,000 more - I don't feel empowered or safe; I don't feel proud; I don't think all is fair; I don't think it's over and I am tired of being told Iraq was one stop shopping for al-Qa'ida and that it worked. I refuse to consider that a "success", I think we can do better but I'll settle for looking in the mirror if we can at least stop selling the drama.

exhausted

back is killing me but I think it will be worth it if the apartment finds a new renter. I got the call today that 2 different people want to see the apartment so as soon as I got home I started cleaning as fast as I could to make it up for company and de-clutter as much as possible. For the love of gawd I don't understand minimalism and the reality of actually LIVING somewhere ever get along. Anyway, the first guy liked it, he stayed for half an hour, talked to the landlord for a long time and I can tell from a few remarks he saw the ad on craigslist.... we see the second person tomorrow. Today was so busy work, work, then... went by the house to meet a handyman and the lock box is gone!!! Yay! I got so excited when I saw. That means things are moving along and the listing agent is keeping up his end as far as he can. Still not got the estate probate stuff finished but so far nothing on my end is holding things up. Then I talked to the realtor and she says we are in the home stretch but I still can't stand that the loan commitment isn't signed yet - she says we are just at the edge of our time to get that done so I should have it this weekend at least. I have to wait til then to arrange the utilities and line-up the first two contractors.... errr, still giggle/nervous. *sigh* after spending the first half of the day in the office and then running around after lunch doing errands and checking in with the house deal peeps - I just tried to keep myself as busy as possible - got my roots dyed, got a manicure/pedicure and got my eyebrows reshaped so I am all ready for the home show this weekend.... Uhm, yeah, the home show... Its a show at the convention center and has to do with all things home related. I went last year before I had a house just to drool and say Hi to Crush who had a booth there then. This year I DO have a house to shop for soon and I don't think he'll be there. I don't THINK so, but I have to look good just in case he is. Either that or I chicken out, I dunno at this point but I figured I would be prepared anyway just because I've let myself go the last few weeks. Ugh, I am so exhausted. --------------------------------------------------------- Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 21, 2009 Rolling Stone magazine has said that sixties folk singer Tom Rush (born February 8) was a major force in launching the era of the singer-songwriter. He's been lying low for a while, though. Recently he came out with his first new studio album in 35 years. I'm guessing that, like him, quite a lot of other Aquarians will also be climaxing new creations as 2009 unfolds -- perhaps even works that are long overdue or that have been extraordinarily slow in the making. And what happens in the next few weeks will be crucial in that process. http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/aquarius.html

treading water

yeah I found boxes! haha, so stupid but I feel it means something... not to mention I feel oh so clever. All the boxes I saw yesterday were all rained on, wet and squishy, then today I saw the neighbor dude who moved in a while ago but he still has boxes! Nice new boxes he bought from the moving company so they don't smell like pesticide or something. He said he has some left over things that he is getting rid of but would be glad if I took them after this weekend which I think will be perfect because I can start packing the stuff I won't need access to a while.

After that I ran out to the lender's office to drop off the CPA's cover letter and I think they have everything they need - so - hopefully the underwriter will sign off this week and I can finally call to order the utilities switch. I still don't totally feel like its real but if the underwriter signs off I will feel like it is really going to happen and I can start taking acting on it.

I am still a little freaked out that work is still so slow but even with just may regular pay check I should be okay, I am so glad I am getting this place at the right price for that. I think work will probably pick up as soon as I get half way in, my computer is still in boxes and its impossible to get anything done but I'll just have to concentrate on making things ready even if it doesn't - ha ha.

gardening is the new dark side

The new "dark side" = gardening. I don't know if I can go to that corner of geekdom. I am interested in plants and gardening but while I was thinking about plants for the house (because there is nothing else I can do to facilitate the closing right now) I started looking through books to research plants I've seen and liked - one of those plants is called a Mexican Bluebell. Its become somewhat popular in Florida for "zeroscaping" because it is draught resistant as well as tolerant in moist soil. I like the striking color of the flowers and I think it can make an attractive border or hedge in front of the door - I think it would be especially well suited to my house because of the large cement planter that the border/hedge would go into... but then I read things like this:

http://www.killerplants.com/plant-of-the-week/20031020.asp

http://www.se-eppc.org/pubs/ww/bluebellSpring2002.pdf

Haha, I just had to laugh reading them. They might be right about the "weed" label but having someone be uptight about how the undesirable plant is infiltrating his yard from his neighbors yard and just in general taking themselves so seriously in a vaguely snide regard for this lowly common plant just strikes me as terribly humorous for some reason. Plants don't respect boundaries, and they aren't at all affected by judgement - they just grow. Poke as much fun at me at me as you want for being a closet Trekkie but a conceited botanist? omg, please no. lol.