One Pale Fire

still clicking my heels together

in the meantime, a miniature celebration: the knockdown ceiling went up today! omg, you would not believe how much better it looks already, even before it is painted. All the cracks and AC duct patches are totally gone. It was definitely a relief to see the "after" on this one because I finally feel like its really getting somewhere. Yesterday was such a tough day, even with the AC on I just scrubbed & scrubbed and sweated buckets but felt like I was getting NOwhere. This place is just so nasty & old. Then when I made my way home to the apartment my whole body ached all over again except this time my hands and forearms outright hurt and every move was en effort. I just hit the wall where every time I moved after that it felt like it was getting worse - stiffer, harder to move - I was practically limping in the door. I made very much the pathetic picture in my worn out spattered t-shirt and bruised legs but the cats weren't all that compassionate because it seems the food dishes almost empty. Well, I got a good talkin' to about that AND THEN we snuggled on the bed as I went over the budget and felt even worse. Later I took a long hot shower when I finally had the energy to stand. After I dried off I rubbed my whole body down with BioFreeze and lavender lotion, took a couple Asprin and went straight to sleep. But even so I was grumpy as hell this morning getting up so damn early again. I need 3 days of sleep and stillness. So sick of this, why do they all have to start at 8 on the dot? Looking over the budget I am starting to get nervous again. I wonder if I did the right thing pushing it so hard before I even move in. I can just barely squeeze in getting someone to paint the ceilings and the helper guy for Friday but I think he & I can get the place painted up pretty good as long as the ceilings are done by someone else. Today I think I just about maxed the Home Depot card buying the last bit of paint & whatnot. Still plenty of stuff to do like just mow the weeds for instance but I think it'll be enough to move in and be comfortable without freaking out over the bills. It really is a life saver that I don't have to start paying the mortgage until August because this month I am tapped out with this and paying utilities at two homes - it's gonna take about a month to catch up on just that. Ahhhh, but man the place did look good tonight when I left! Feels like someone could actually live there now and I am really looking forward to moving in for a change. I can't believe I get to live here. I wonder if the memory of what it used to look like and stink like underneath all the cosmetics will ever truly go away? I guess I need a vacation to really get new eyes on it.

flatness is god

I am still having the hardest time feeling appreciative of myself. Its not a problem of bad self esteem its more of a resolutely flat self esteem. Perhaps it is a genuine lack of esteem but sometimes it feels vaguely like a conscious choice to protect myself. As though being pretty or smart or attentive and caring amounts to nothing and I want to make sure to stay in that zone so I don't have to reflect on relationships that didn't work out or the confusion over why. Every time I slip up and like something about myself or feel sort of impressed with any quality it immediately results in mild self reflective sadness and then it evaporates instantly.

Perhaps there is nothing to do with this phenomenon but I wish there was some treatment aside from some insipid self-help exercise like listing 12 things you like about yourself. I could list plenty of things if it weren't for the crushing sadness that results at the half way mark. It simply doesn't matter and I can't see the value in that belief system because it's not going to change my track record or make someone love me more. The thing is I thought I had dealt with this and for the most part gotten over it but today I had another moment where it surfaced once again where I could see it. As soon as it did I realized I have still been doing it, it just went somewhat underground or had become part of the background noise in me.

THe other day someone said I was courageous for taking on this renovation by myself and I thought 1) like I have a choice? and 2) I wonder why people you know never share these types of observations? 3) it's such a meaningless attribute, it being true is moot. The next day someone said I was a very pretty woman and I felt exposed like it was dangerous in some way and I wished he hadn't said anything because I liked him and that made it harder to sweep under the rug. Most days it doesn't make me sad because I brush it off but today I looked down at my body and thought for a moment how appealing my breasts are, until I remembered how irrelevant it is. I hate what happened to me, I hate that I was probably complicit in it happening. I thought I had forgiven myself for this tragedy but its only faded and it wasn't all my fault to forgive. 

Still I don't understand how something that happened over 4 years ago left such a stain on me. I mean, I sort of refuse to believe it, I suppose but it is inherently incredible even for a person who holds onto things like I do. Then I think its a sort of re-injury but even then that was over a year ago and not nearly as intense or deep or "real" in the requited sense for that matter. I wish it mattered, I really do. And I wish it were fixable as such. I miss feeling sexy and really good about myself in a carefree way.

great day at casa de gecko

Today was the most exciting day since closing! The terrazzo guys showed up and got right to work and in no time they had all the tack boards off and were grinding off the nail heads. Then they moved on to patching the holes - which was really cool - I think he is still using too many gray pebbles but its so cool that just walking by you can't really see where the holes were anymore. Then the appliance dude showed up, fixed the washer, did the maintenance on the lint system, removed all the old non-working appliances, and brought in the NEW stainless steel fridge! Gawd that thing ever so barely fits and I wasn't crazy about the black sides and accents but its NEW & energy efficient! Before he was even done the AC guy showed up to finish the drawings needed for the permit and said they could start Friday. Man, finally it feels like its starting to shape up. I am absolutely stuff and sore from bending over, stooping and scrubbing the hell out of several walls and parts of the kitchen - I think I will still need help getting it all cleaned and painted but at least I got some more nails out, patched a bunch of holes, and washed the outside of the windows (inside is covered with dust from the floor grinding). I went to take a short break to shower off at the apartment and stop by the lender's place and give the loan officer this beaded necklace I had made. I make them now & then and always have about 5 more then I could ever wear so I give them away as gifts. The relator seemed so-so about hers but called a day later to say she's gotten so many compliments on it and thanked me again. The loan officer went crazy though, she loved it. Made me feel nice - she really deserves is she was with me since the beginning and really hung in there to get me to the finish line. She's so sharp and sweet. So was the insurance lady - just amazing women all of them.

D is still being kind of a creep and baby - I guess since he hasn't gotten his EXTRA house that he doesn't even NEED for a price that he can gloat about forever and a day he doesn't want to really be part of my experience in owning my first home. Not only did he pull his little drama queen, attention whoring trip yesterday (I can only guess because he knows I am busy with the house and doesn't want to house getting more attention then him) but today when I mentioned how excited I was in an email about something else he ignored remarks about the house and just okayed the ads.... yeah, the guy who I have to ask 5 times to look at something actually answered JUST about the ADS and nothing else. I don't care what anyone says he is freakin' weird as hell about the house thing. I mean STILL being a weirdly quiet and sort of unsupportive. I didn't let it bring me down today but I just thought to myself I should know by now to even mention it and look for a response, he will probably throw a bigger attention seeking drama next week. Bet ya $50 bucks. Not the biggest deal in the world I mean I just give him a little attention because it is easier then getting him to see what he is doing and we get on with life but it seriously made me not want him at a house warming party. Anyway I sorted that out in the drive over and by the time I got back to the house to check on the guys they had one bedroom sanded down - so awesome - this will easily be the happiest $1,000 I spend on the place. The floor is this really pretty light beige/white kind of terrazzo and they are coming out just like I hoped they would. It is amazingly hard dusty work but these guys were great to work with and be around - makes a huge difference, its one of those things I don't mind paying for after how icky the closing agent was or what a drama queen D is and hearing all the weird stuff about the previous owner from neighbors. It just made me feel so much better about the place, big exhausted smile on my face today when terrazzo guys left - I kicked back and napped for a few minutes to get a second wind for the last round of scrubbing before I finished up to leave. The nicest thing is having really nice neighbors - just one more thing that made me absolutely sure I made the right decision not going for a condo. I mean, I might of had nice neighbors there too but its just different in a way I can't explain. The guy next door came over to check on me, shared in my renovation excitement and reminded me his wife is home most the day and he gets home around this time so if i needed anything at all please just come right over. I kinda think they think I am younger then I am and single so they sort of want to look after me - its kinda sweet and innocent. The neighbor across the street is a tiny bit too clingy and I know she is probably anxious that I haven't come over to take the tour of her place yet so maybe I will force myself to do it tomorrow but today was another day were there was just too much going on - I was even too tied up to go chasing after the ice cream truck like I really wanted to - lol. Ah, man, today was just great all around. Exhausted but happier then I have been in a long time. I wasn't sure I would feel this way, but it really is so satisfying - so much so it was sort of more satisfying that I am single in a way and doing this all myself. It made me feel proud and like this whole experience is something that no one can take away from me. I can't wait to to see how the floors turn out tomorrow, then Friday is the AC (which will make painting slightly more endurable) and then Monday is Termite treatment and the AC guys finish up so I can finish up cleaning and get started painting so I can move in. Still crazy tight schedule but I think it will work out.

the mateless, eggless nest

More angry hurty feelings today. I guess I am still not over the crying episode in the car, in the rain yesterday. It can't all be just because some guy showed interest and it scared me. I am just so confused about what to believe and who to talk to about this and I worry about the fact that its gotten worse over the last year and not better. I feel like I am harping on things with Crush when it was never a real involved relationship but I can't seem to trace any other event that would cause such a reaction.

Today when I woke up the last thing I wanted to do was go to that damn house and try to find things I could do myself - no help, no professionals I can't afford - just me a step latter and a few tools. I don't want to do it so I haven't even gotten dressed today. I just sat up in bed and for some reason the first thing that popped into my head was what bad advice "put yourself out there - really put yourself out there" is. I was thinking back to the two last times I really put myself into something and really put my feelings out there and both times the result was devastating. I just fail to see how being absolutely sure someone knows who you are and just what you feel for them before rejecting you completely is a good thing. Its not, maybe the better advice is to pay attention when I am scared to put myself out there - I mean, duh, I probably have a very good reason to. I'm just saying that maybe that really is a better way to honor my instincts - and hell, to keep a few instincts intact.

I wish I had never taken a second look at Crush, I mean, I think I was right the first time I looked him and his life situation over and thought he was overbooked and would never change. I was right, when I suspected X needed more drama then I could provide and preferred psycho bitches that could give him that... I was right so why didn't I just respect my instincts and listen to what they were saying? I dunno, I guess because life would be even more boring, mundane and painfully lonely if I did. I can't even begin to consider what "my match" would be anymore. I can't picture myself with anyone and all I've ever gotten is confirmation of that every time I have put myself out there and it really doesn't seem to matter what kind of guy it is or how available they seem - I mean, look, at first everybody is trying to impress each other and the best foot it forward so how would I be able to figure out how available someone really is? All I am really doing is plumbing the depths of how good a presenter someone is and I've met some real Oscar winners.... let me pause here to throw up one more time recalling D explain the mating rituals of the average male and how much the love creating a picture and how my job is to sit through it because that's part of the whole romance thing. My gawd men really are fucked up I don't for the life of me understand why they get tagged as the logical one who don't let emotion rule their actions.... No, its closer to the truth that feel an impulse and don't question it, just just roll around in it with eyes closed. I just wish that didn't make them seem to be such lying pieces of crap just for sex. If they only had the first clue about what they are feeling that isn't a good idea to follow through on - I mean why is sex such a big deal anyway?Women are the ones that have multiple orgasms and you don't see most of them acting like sex crazed monkeys dancing with symbols in their hands for a little coin. I mean, ya know, outside of prostitutes because that's more of their job then anything. Otherwise can we get a grain of self awareness and restraint here? 

I don't have to have deep earnest feelings to follow through on an attraction, its just where I would prefer to invest my energy so why lie or lie of omission about your true feelings to get some action. Because they are thieving creeps with a very low center of personal integrity I guess. I seriously don't know what else to conclude. I really thought Crush was different and I thought he knew who I was and that that would somehow grant me a little consideration and protection for the typical firestorm of crap. But it didn't. Which is fine, I just don't think I'm ever going to get over how devastating the timing was or how easily this could have been avoided if I had never put my feelings out there at all. 

Some days I can almost pretend it never happened - on a really good day its almost as if I never met X too and I feel really good that way but days like today when everything is showing through the paint... I just feel the devastation and even though its not quite as bad as it was it still hurts incredibly bad to look at it and I feel really really sad about what has happened. I don't feel like its some kind of reward that I really showed them who I was and got the same exact answer I have always gotten - "uhm, nah, I think I'll take whatever is behind door number 2 instead, k-thx". All it does is make me see I was never pretending to be something I wasn't or hiding all that much to begin with and no body wants that.... I still wish I had zigged when I zagged and I don't respect any advice to put myself out there anymore - men don't really want that, they just want me "to sit back, relax and enjoy the show" they put on and not to be real, available or honest about any feelings - mone or theirs. And I feel so much so there apparently is no place for me in relationships. I would just prefer never to hear the phrase "put yourself out there and you'll find someone who really gets you" again and I would like for people (especially men) to stop saying how great I am when it gets me nowhere to be whatever it is they see as so great even if they are being honest, no matter how true it is.

That's pretty much the course I have been on for the last year or more and some days it really is quite fine - I mean that sincerely, I am quite delighted not to hurt so much - but other days I run out of reasoning and still don't understand what I am doing here with all these freaks. I'm not involved in anybody's life because there just isn't that place for me, I just wish I knew what else I was supposed to be accomplishing. Its just really hard to put myself into building and lining my nest today, that's all.

fix it

Today was just irritating, nothing is going right. The AC guys aren't starting when they are supposed to and of course it is messing up everyone after them so now I am working from the floor up which is what you are not supposed to do. I don't care, I just want it done now, I miss my job and I want to get back to it but I need a place to live a little bit more.

What really irritated me was the ceiling refinisher looking at my boobs when he didn't think I noticed. Actually I was pissed he didn't even try to conceal it that hard. Between that and scrubbing urine off the bathroom wall and I just hate men. They are so disgusting...oh and another thing I am tired of people commenting on the condition of the house and the weird choices the previous owner made. Look, the guy had some mental problems, let's move on shall we?!

Okay honestly it wasn't even all that so much as the AC guy expressing interest again through a compliment, except the compliment kinda irked me. He said he enjoyed hanging out with me and was delighted to find I have a personality in addition to looks. Yeah, it was nice but instead of appreciating it I got irritated by how men are always surprised about that - wow, I have big boobs AND a brain or wow, I have a nice face and some personality. It just made me think about how many times I've heard that and how many other women I know who are smart and attractive - what am I supposed to be flattered and impressed this guy hangs out with shallow flakey girls? 

Then I calmed down enough to realize I was being irrationally angry and defensive - and that's when I really got upset. He's young and dumb but instead of being cute I just had this sort of apathetic envy: I wish I was young and stupid too. I just felt sad because I couldn't see myself with him, couldn't see myself with anyone. I sort of miss it if it weren't so pointless. No one ever really saw themselves with me and I know that's just not going to happen. If it weren't so pointless to wish for it I might be able to mourn it somehow.

Of course I blamed it on Crush again and felt furious and sad it was never going to be made right again. But I feel more sad and angry at myself. I have to stop being so angry - I have to - but it's frustrating because I don't know how to. It seems to keep getting just a little worse not better and I don't understand why - I live inside my own body and my own head and even I don't know why so how can I hope it will just go away. I see my own heartbreak and I feel more heartbroken. I wish I knew how to fix i but every time I think about giving it up and starting again with someone new it hurts so much worse. It hurts worse then when I got hurt trying to mend makes me feel more broken

casa de gecko

Day 5 - I think this place is trying to kill me but at least I am finally in and working. Met three neighbors so far and only one contractor is really hitting on me - he's nice but I dunno, can barely think of anything like that right now. All the major work takes place this week so I am nervous about fitting everyone in time & budget. Looks like I am in for another back breaking week after they all leave with my money - jeebus and that stll before I can even move in!

First 3 days were bliss but now I miss my job again - so, so very much.

miserable & still homeless

I hate my closing agent, I wish I never agreed to let him do it for the sole reason that he is friends with D who is probably sucking all the energy out of everything in a 5 mile radius of him like a fucking black hole.

I called, didn't reach him so I started emailing at 3:30 - like "hey, haven't heard anything can you confirm we are closing tomorrow???" and he comes back with some assinine reference to us having our stuff done week ago and its all on them..... Uh, what does that have to do with anything? Then some remark about my realtor again and its like ya know TASK=AT HAND, maybe I dunno make a phone call poke someone with a stick to see if they are alive over there? I mean what is it with him - we get around to after 4:00 dicking around with his cute remarks and it hasn't occurred to him all day to even check? Then he says "left a message".... wow, way to take the bull by the horns and really get in there to follow through. *baffled*

Then he calls later and want to hang out shooting the breeze about his step son's elementary school commencement ceremony and the current course of pain medication he is on that is so great. Great, yeah, he's a friggin' druggie. I wish there was a legal way to poke into people's personal lives enough to find out they are either an alchie or addicted to sleeping pills and pain pills. Seriously - like a warning label or something. Drug induced apathy, your results may vary from day to day depending on whether they are on the wagon and find Jesus tomorrow... They should wear a tag.

He was trying to say its always like this but that's not what other people are saying and now I am stuck with him so it doesn't matter. He started to say if he doesn't hear from them first thing in the morning THEN he'll be pissed and will start making their lives miserable... so now all I am thinking is great the deal will fall apart because he's being nasty or I will end up in this house tainted with really bad feelings and an angry dead spirit in it. 

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Considering what they pulled last week one would think he might have had a handle on it earlier then 4:00pm today. All I can think is D and the lure of a lawsuit and being threatening dickheads to this guy D is dealing with is distracting him. Why do something boring like close a house when you can be nasty and go after someone?

I went over to D's place today and did he ask me how I was doing or express any excitement - no - he started bragging about what a big bad ass he was calling some realtor up and threatening him with lawsuits and calling the realtor board and blahblahblah - all because he suspects this realtor is being fishy with the key to this place and wants to buy it himself or something. They don't actually have a lot of proof although it may be true but wtf its not like the house is going anywhere tomorrow - unlike MY deal going down the tubes before my eyes.

I just can not take this anymore! I will never buy a house with him again, I will never have anything to do with someone who has any contact with D, my realtor has already vowed he'll never see any title work from her, there are already nasty feelings between them. And all he could do today was sit around trying to stir up the drama instead of get his ass on the phone and get some answers.

It is literally driving me to drink. All I wanted to eat was a giant baked potato loaded with every bad thing on it but I didn't. Avoiding the drink was not an option though, half way through dinner I just lost my appetite because I was just so disgusted - I was excited today and thought it would be happening and now we are back to maybe tomorrow. So I had a martini - a chocolate martini because I just DID NOT know what else to do with myself - all I did all day was mindless busy work trying to fill up the day cleaning the apartment for the prospective renter to make the landlord happy. Maybe it paid off I dunno. Another person came to look at the apartment and I think she'll take it - she said it was beautiful and even asked if she could arrange to keep the window treatments I put up. That was kinda nice but as soon as she pulled away all I could think is great now I really do need to be out of here.

I mean no matter how I plan and allow time for stuff I have never in my life had a move that wasn't ultra compressed and especially stressful - and that passive aggressive idiot D did his part on the last one. I told him for weeks I wanted to take the whole week off to move so I didn't have to pay the movers so much (and because he banged up my furniture and ruined my mattress the last time he helped me) - weeks I warned him that I wouldn't be around, that I had ALOT to do. And what does he do - wait til I am in the very middle of it to come up with some emergency at work that I was supposed to baby step him through. It is HIS business and he's personally done everything before I came along - its called "hey buddy can I get a hand here?" I mean all this drama because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. So I called him on it and omg did the sparks flight and the reactive fighting words come out poor widdo ting is upset, him got his feelings hurt. 

I ended up breaking down and bawling - "can you please just help me out with this one thing. You know what a rough year I've had just do this for me." Then he was all understanding again because that was the only way he really could hear me - screaming and crying... and he felt needed... We ended up having a good talk and clearing the air and I learned that sometimes I have to repeat something to him 5 times until I hear confirmation that he gets it - yes I know that's the way YOU want it but *I* don't feel good about it that way. I mean he is always trying to be more generous and self-sacrificing and to tell you the truth it is just insecure as hell. He's more of a women then any womam I know in real life.

My GAWD! Come to think of it he was a part in making me move to San Francisco so stressful too! He really is sick. *eye roll* of course that means I am too for putting up with him.

Ranting on & on like a bitter sad person and I fear I am becoming just like them C and D. First the drinking and then more hateful embittered nastiness will ensue because I lost the house and my business was ruined by tax debt and wages lost trying to get a house. I'll end up suing my lawyer for ruining the deal.... Lawyers really seem like awful unhappy people. I wonder what they were like in law school.

*sigh* I am sad my buzz is all gone now so I guess I'll go to bed.

so not amused

Gawd do I want this guy to STFU already. He thinks its cute to keep poking at the two bitches (my grumpy exacting realtor and his **** of a hot headed hispanic secretary) that got in a cat fight last week because he's used to being that way with D but I'm not D and I am not at all amused. I mean its supposed to be my day to become a homeowner and I think my realtor made the right decision not to attend the closing. I don't really care why she made it or how either of them feels - and don't ask me to even in jest.

About 20 minutes after all the papers are signed and I have the key in my hand, then we can make funny cat growling noises at the both of them.... actually screw that, I still won't be THAT amused. Ya know I think its from dealing with D's drama, passide aggression and histrionics over nothing/all the time and this whole fun needling people over nonessential details thing is no fun to add into the mix. I mean on top of the drama whoring over something like the plane seat he wants and the lengths he will go to in going on & on about it just stopped being a cute personality quirk some time ago. I am not sure when exactly I started feeling this way (I think maybe the minute I got out of the corporate world) but I really do not get the way some people always always always have to be right AND announced the winner. Its such a petty sad little insecurity really. And I could almost stand from a pity standpoint it if it weren't for the constant drama whoring or passive aggression that pisses me off. 

Anyway C is about as bad as D in his own crass way.... meanwhile UGH, can I just please have ONE friggin' day that is about me already? No cute teasing, just let's dot the i's, cross the t's with everyone's focus on that. Maybe I am being too tense but I think I have a right to be emotional and tense and frankly I am just kinda pissed off and hurt at how alone I am in this. I mean again today D had no reaction to me saying I was gonna be closing tomorrow. My mom still has not said anything about it, my brother has said nothing and is just buried in school - of course I give him the free pass because he's also jobless but I think maybe I should take a moment to be a little sad for myself but alternately very proud and happy I was able to hang in and pull it off. 

I should just be able to be happy about this but there's always slack because no one else really cares all that much. I mean for once I sorta don't give a flying *bleep* that no one else cares "enough" because the house is what I want and I am trying to do something for myself here but its this drama that drains me into feeling a little angry and resentful about attitudes.

Gawd, I just want to be alone with my house. That's all I want right now, please help me with the next 24 hours til I can get there.

can't wait til I don't have to deal with these people anymore

Bleh, my main motivator for getting cable is to actually AVOID reality TV. Two of the most awful shows are on tonight - celebrities in the jungle or ultimatum shot gun weddings - *eye roll/vomit* when in the hell this genre will pass from favor. Radio is nothing but commercials so I must not turn to podcasts and itunes.

Frankly I am think I am just irritated because nothing is really taking my mind off the closing. I am still pissed off by the attitudes, I still hate the entire process, I still can't believe it will ever really happen. Today it was a snit about the survey fee - dickhead has it written up as $650 the going rate is about $450. When I asked about it he just said they are the only company he trusts and he saved me money elsewhere so I should just be looking at the total. Well, all I see is another $200 dollars I don't have to be spending - and - when I went by the property to take photos for the insurance company they don't even have it staked out. I don't understand what the survey is for is they don't even mark boundries for you. 

Of course it is not the $200 at this point - its just his attitude that is pissing me off the most, because he won't even ASK. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to keep them at least mildly competitive? I mean isn't that a part of the "trust" he has in them? No, apparently not, he picked a company 20 years ago and just doesn't WANT to change - screw his clients. Just add that in with his secretary being a total bitch and indulging in a petty cat fight with my realtor - I mean I wasn't charmed by either's attitude but she is a conceited, argumentative ****. Then you have his nasty remarks about realtors in generals, his refusals to make any use of the services she was offering or the questions she had. *eye rolls* yeah, lawyers are the heights of personal ethics. Just kills me, the sooner I can get away from him and have nothing to do with him the better - the nastiness, its just bad juju.

After that I went for a drive and finally found a few boxes - very small start but its something. Then I caught the mail-lady when I got back home and got my change of address package!!! YAY! Now, it finally feels like it might be real! So tonight I packed one box, filled in my change of address card to drop in the mail after I close and started rolling dimes/nickels to buy a few boxes and some cleaning stuff.

Oh man, I can't wait until I don['t have to talk to any of these damn people anymore! I can just sit around in my house peeling the linoleum and cleaning stuff - first thing I'm gonna do when I close is open some awnings, then a few windows to air it out and then I am just gonna start gathering wood and junk from the yard while I wait for the AC guy to come over and fill out paperwork to get the AC installation under way. Can't wait. Can't wait!!!

*sigh* but alas I must.

waiting waiting waiting

I can't believe its Monday. I felt like I have done nothing all weekend but I am vaguely exhausted that the same time - waking up to a Monday is like waking up on a salty shore the morning after a storm passed and your boat's gone beneath the waters like it never existed.

Still a tab emotional I guess. I was about to congratulate myself for managing to while away a whole weekend but I still have 4 whole days to go before I can sign everything and make the house mine. This stuff truly makes me never want to buy a house again. Its just such a pain in the ass just getting to closing day, before you can even do all the work that needs to be done and life is still so very short for all this waiting around.

This weekend it was all I could do to slump over into ignoring how much there is to be done here and there before I can even move. As if Moving wasn't enough. My apartment still isn't rented yet but the landlords haven't bugged me about it in the last week so I am just hoping for the best. Today I am forcing myself to do laundry and go through another box of stored clothes that I never wear. I keep telling myself it will be less to move but every time I go through and re-organize something I feel more & more like giving up and sorting later - as if this time and brain power could be so much better used painting and cleaning the new place. 

*sigh* Its just too much.

I think the worst part is, it's only Monday and I already finished my ads for the coming week. I could start on the week after but that NEVER pays off - its like begging and pleading for last minute changes and shit to hit the fan at 4:52 on Friday evening. So here I sit for now with literally nothing to do but wait the storm.

Okay time to go on another closet expedition.