One Pale Fire

post-non-freakout

When I went to breakfast that guy was there again and of course there was a seat next to him empty but as I said hello I passed him and sat nearer the other end of the bar where there were a couple of people between us. At first I felt a tiny bit bad but after a few minutes when he got up and left I felt better - I just didn't want to deal with him.

He's a perfectly nice man, and pleasant enough to talk to but what can I say, I have no interest in his attention and I still wasn't feeling great about my last reaction to his attention. Some time after he left and I was half way through my breakfast the waitress I always talk to said he was asking about me the last time he was there and she'd told him when I usually come in which explains how he knew when to come in although I am pretty sure he waited quite a while last weekend. That was just the feeling I had. When the waitress mentioned he'd asked about me I had that same depressed and upset feeling but this time I didn't let it get to me. I mean, for some reason just hearing what a nice guy he is made me want to cry but I managed to regather myself once she stopped mentioning him. That was the worst part this time - just hearing her endorse him as a nice guy. He's still too old for me and his attention is still not wanted and I had said as much so why did it matter how nice he was?

I shook it off and for a minute I did still feel sad. I was just sad and embarrassed about how screwed up I am. I mean I guess I felt sorry for myself but more just not wanting anyone to know how freakishly fragile I am at times. Last week I talked about everything with a therapist and she said she felt it had something to do with control or being caught off guard. I suppose so, when it comes to things being on my terms if rings true but there is also something of mourning the meaning of consent and ideas of my own control over things. I mean my not consenting really doesn't mean all that much and after a while the concept of control over anything erodes until there is no safety to be had. I could see myself not wanting to be myself if I felt like I was gonna have no control or even partnership in an association. 

That is how I've ended up feeling in several relationships - like I just didn't warrant any good-byes even. It doesn't matter who I am, how nice and respectful I am or how much of myself I share, people will still just leave without a word one day and I won't even know when they might resurface or I might run into them again - all I know is they don't want anything to do with me for some mysterious reason and there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how interested or nice or how ever willing to get to know me they once were one day they just stop all contact. I understand not having any control over how people perceive me or what they think but I can't understand how I've lost so much control or even consent over everything else that happens after you supposedly get to know someone. I just have no concept of it anymore.

I don't know how to get the sense of safety or accountability back but it has something to do with things being on my terms. So maybe I could find someone I like and get involved but it has to be with someone secure and unselfish enough not to have to have all the control if that's what I need. I guess the only trick is finding someone like that that isn't a total spineless push-over who I'd have difficulty respecting and being attracted to. Huh. I don't feel like its all that likely - I'm trying to grow out of picking unavailable people but I can't really control who I find attractive to the extreme of being absolutely sure someone will remain available to contact.

Well, anyway, still not sure how I handle things but at least I didn't freak out today.

please just go away

I had another one of those unhappy uncomfortable moments again today and I am so baffled and depressed by it. I assumed I had figured it out and it wouldn't necessarily happen again but it did and now I can't figure out why I am so unhappy rather then flustered by an attack of defensiveness - I wasn't anxious or horribly put out or at all panicked by this man's interest, I was just so utterly unhappy about it.

I go to the same place almost every Saturday to have breakfast and the last 3 times he's managed to catch me there. The first time I met him I noted his interested but just tried to keep to myself and I half expected not to run into him again so I really didn't think about it much. Then today for the 3rd time I see him at the lunch counter where I usually sit trying to make a connection and asking me questions to engage me. I was aware of his attention the other times but he wasn't very intensely focused and there was enough going around to buffer the attention but today when I came in it was slower and I didn't want to sit at a table and make it obvious that I was avoiding him or worse for him to invite himself to sit WITH me so I just sat at the counter as I always did and hoped the guy in the seat between us would stay a bit - he didn't of course - so now the dude was much more obvious and intent at making conversation. 

At first I was just tolerating it alright but then after a while I started to become uncomfortable and it was such an abstract kind of discomfort - it wasn't as if I wanted to drop everything and run out of there or that I was terrified - I just felt sort of like I wished he wasn't there and sad at the same time. Its unfortunate because he is actually a pleasant and very well mannered man but he's too old for me, I don't feel a connection or that we have any thing in common and I just basically don't want his attention. But I couldn't figure out why his attention or intent to get to know me was making me unhappy this time and then what was worse is I began to notice that my regular waitress DID want his attention, did like him and was flirting with him. That just made me even more uncomfortable until I started to feel just plain depressed.

I ate my meal, just got a little more quiet but maintained polite responses to his attempts to engage me and then I left when I paid my bill. At first I thought - okay so maybe I will avoid the diner a couple of weekends here or there, or I'll come with a friend, or I'll sit in a different section, mix up the times I come in and so on. But when I was alone walking to my car I just grew more depressed and vulnerable feeling as if I wouldn't be able to fend off his interest somehow. It was just a bummer, this was my breakfast spot and my waitress and my routine and he'd just waltz in and changed that. There I was minding my own business happy with my little routine and now it was something to be avoid. I felt like he'd just taken it away from me and there wasn't much to do.

I managed to shake it off for a little while but as I was driving on my errands I became more and more emotional about it until tears came to my eyes - I mean it was just so frustrating how bad I felt and not knowing why. Its not like I bawled I just ended up sinking lower and now I've been low down all day. I feel like I'm in a fog of sadness and vulnerability and I have no idea how to make it go away or what conversation I need to have with myself about it. Now everything I do trying to maintain my little weekend I feel so sad and sort of bad about myself it just makes me want to cry more.

Its just so stupid some guy want to talk to me at the breakfast counter and I end up crying? Over nothing. I just feel so unhappy about this change I didn't ask for or want but I have no idea why I would give a complete stranger - who isn't even very insistent or at all threatening - all this power over me. Why would I do that or feel that way? I just want to go there next week and have him not be there and for everything to go back to normal.

nice surprise

I am closing comments - just not interested in them anymore...

So... I had this guy over to quote me on impact windows - I so can't afford them - but I can't get over my reaction to this guy. I mean I just really liked him and I am surprised what a difference it makes because I didn't even think about that nervousness at all. 

I am surprised because I really thought I liked a couple different guys I have met in the recent past but with this one it was... I dunno, more of an intrinsic, compelling attraction and he was just different then most guys I met, I even really liked his name. But I can't really figure out what it was specifically about him that I liked so much - that's what's so weird. Maybe it was the give & take? It was funny we kept getting off the sales topic and just talking about stuff - it was like a date except I felt bad for kind of ignoring his associate (which comically enough turned out to be his sister). He was just so... man, I dunno. It wasn't like he was drop-dead gorgeous or anything but the minute I answered the door and laid eyes on him I just had this nice feeling about him that seemed to prevent the weird uncomfortable nervous thing from happening or even entering my mind. And it wasn't like I was undressing him with my eyes exactly - I mean, yeah, after a while when I realized that this funny warm feeling was an attraction to him I did have some uh, "thoughts" and I hate to admit at one point I did sort of look at his package when he got up to get something from his case. Man, its wild I never do that, never been that type of girl - what's up with that? Medication side affect? 

It really wasn't a sexual thing - I swear - it was an overall chemistry thing like I just really liked his laugh and I found myself cracking jokes because I wanted to hear more of it. Really wanted just to hear him laugh again - it was such a nice feeling because I think he liked me too. For a while after he left into the next day I kept sort of thinking about him in that curious wanting to get to know him way and it struck me how not really sexual it was, it was like I just wanted to hear stories of when/where he grew up. Man, really wanted to talk to him more and hear more of his subtle Hungarian accent.

Bums me out I won't see him again probably. I mean now that I know I like him I can't think of a non-self-conscious reason to call him. In a way it was just nice to know I am semi-capable of feeling that way about someone. Earlier today when I was thinking about him again I had a vague nervous feeling but it was more of a butterflies kinda thing and then when I felt asleep I had a dream about having Max's baby - I discovered I was 2 months pregnant when I didn't know it and figured out it was his and just thought if I never see him again I was so happy to have this gift and I kept holding my stomach looking at it in the mirror and just sort of falling in love with the idea of him and me. When I woke up I went back to thinking of the window guy and while half asleep daydreamed about what it might be like to go out with him or get involved with him - I was happy, then for a moment I almost had the hurty brain freeze moment but it was great because it wasn't so intense.

After it passed I was able to see it more clearly then before in my minds eye - it was like the PTSD has slowed down and I thought about how devastating it was to have needed someone for the first time (X) and been abandoned so summarily. Except I thought about it in this way that it wasn't devastating it was just observation, like events just clicked in place. I thought about how my PTSD brain found coincidences in events with him and although much of it was projection I was still kinda of appalled how much it replayed the injury in its own way. I mean that was the thing  Crush knew a lot of what happened and that's what hurt so much that he disappeared without comment. He isn't the same guy but the impact was similar because the vulnerability was so large - barely had a chance to scab over entirely and got ripped open again. For a minute I just kind of felt grateful that neither one of them ever asked for forgiveness simply because that meant I didn't have to give it.

The thing with this daydream with the window guy where I had the brain-freeze close call is that I sort of enjoyed it. I mean it was just like I could almost see that eventual fear carrying through to a different course. No specific course or happly ending it was just a different feeling and because it was so different there was longing but also immense release at the same time. Like all those good feelings I had had for the others flew freely instead of being tamped down or rejected entirely. For instance every time I think of something funny X said I suddenly get real serious or think of how awful he is or how much I dislike him.

Sometimes I remember events or relationships and the sheer intensity of feeling all mixed in together is too much and I grow to hate it because its always overwhelming and it never gets to be just pleasant or funny or even just simply sad in a passing way - its this maddening intensity that hurts my brain so I refuse to continue recalling it and maybe that's why I don't work through things. I dislike having this discussion with myself over things like I am my own 5 yr old and I have to spell things out. With this daydream moment it was simple for once - there was still a lot in there that I longed for but the risk of needing someone didn't seem so threatening. 

but i still can't afford the windows...

reno-torture

gesh it is frustrating to have a house and not be able to afford to fix it up. I burned through my initial budget and now I have to sit back a bit and I have no idea what to get done next. I have a bunch of smaller things I feel okay about experimenting with but that office wall in need of plastering and some other things I need a licensed trade person for - not so much. 

I am actually partially fine with it because it sort of forces me to prioritize and I can shop around for some estimates on things while I learn more and tinker with my stuff but the bummer is this place is just not up to speed for a roommate yet. The catch 22 is that I could better afford the renovations if I had a roommate. But of course no roommate is gonna want to deal with this stuff... 

I guess I'll have to restart with the office so I can move my stuff from the second bedroom to that room as I had originally planned. Then if I did a mini renovation on the bathroom then I could get a roommate and save up for some other things. Just not sure about the time on this.

I am so dying to redo the bathroom though - that pink everything is making me crazy. The toilet can't really be fixed but the sink & tub can be reglazed for about $400 bucks. Both genuinely need it because the surface is shot but the plus is I could have them reglazed in white and that would take a little punch out of the pinkness because it would just be the walls in 50's pink tile. And if I just paint the vanity this mini-redo would hold me over from a total renovation for a while and I could focus on the yard for a while. Although I feel kind of tired looking at the yard. 

caregivers holiday from caring

okay os sometimes I come here to be totally horrible - got it? Good, 'cause you're gonna need it.

Sometimes on the other blog site in this one group I had belonged to this one girl cames totally unhinged and melts down. Now, to be totally fair she has some extremely valid and good reasons for coming unhinged during this particular very real crisis but the thing that makes it hard to check in or say anything remotely encouraging or vaguely help or even hopeful is that she won't have it so its useless. I don't click her blog anymore because she is just venting and there's nothing to do. The situation she is in is especially painful for me to empathize with but I'd be up for it if she ever had a single positive response to any of life's challenges instead of "omg, I can't handle this I am falling apart". I mean the other week someone lauded her for being so strong or for just being there period and from then on all she does is go on a tirade about how NOT-strong she is and about how numb and non-existent she is. Its like okay you are weak then be weak and bad at it and just keep going til something else happens. But she just wallows.

What is so awful is resenting this when I know I can at times be the very same way. It's cohesiveness through resistance or something. I mean sometimes I react that way because people don't listen or are kind of insensitive and don't get it but other times it is sort of a tool. Its just hard because I don't see this girl coming out of it or finding anything useful and I don't actually want to empathize with that kind of hopelessness when I am trying to rebuild that quality. Its just hard to be selfless some days I guess. Just sucks all around because I really do wish there was a way to help her even if it were just listening but like I said she won't have that either. 

Sometimes I think that's why I never became a parent because I have the hardest time just standing by and watching and because I am so stubborn myself. Gawd my whole life growing up I was surrounded by apathy or stubborn resistance to hope and positive outlooks - I think that's why doing nothing but sitting around whining grates my nerves so bad. Even so the same applies: I still do it myself so how can I be so critical of someone in a genuinely hard situation?.... I dunno call it a care giver's holiday, I'm just tired.

That's kinda what I am on today - vacation from caring - I got up and looked at the house and I just can't do it alone today. All the unpacking and projects to complete. Yesterday I sealed up the new electrical piping and connector outside, then I cleaned, chalked and screwed in the threshold to my front door, then I trimmed the hedges in the rain and paid some bills online - I think that was enough and maybe I will get going again later today but right now I can barely even leave this room and look at it. Everything is unpacked and looks like a moving truck crashed through the living room and shit just spread far & wide through the other rooms but I can't help it there are a few things that have to be finished before I can really unpack. I already gave in to leaving the kitchen exactly as it is: yellow and stained. But so help me I am not unpacking or redecorating the bathroom until I paint that damn vanity! Just have to decide what goes best with this pink bathroom and poorly functioning pink toilet.... and do it with no money.

Okay back to work and caring about stuff...

silent place in the fireworks

I think I probably live in one of those neighborhoods where people shoot fireworks all night for the next 3 nights. Ah the joys of suburbia.

Today started out great because C & B came over to fix my electrical problem. We worked on it and talked about what's next and just general house stuff - I love it! I feel like the way people must feel when they join the parenthood cross section of society - suddenly there are all these people who know what you are going through and only parents can know your pain. Honestly it still irks me when D throws that in my face and of course he is such a drama queen that now he has to one up me by saying I have no idea because his new office house is soooo much worse. *eye roll* Yeah, whatever. But C & B where actually there with me, there for me - I didn't even ask B to do all this stuff but it was awesome to have things done and know they are updated correctly. It just made me feel so good even though I am still barely half unpacked, I have no idea where to put anything because I have no closet space. I don't think I will be ready for a roommate anytime soon but that's okay I'll just live here and enjoy my privacy and projects.

Sometime after we finished up we met up again at their place to have a bbq and swim in the pool - it was fun. They invited this guy friend of theirs and I'm not sure if it was intended as a hook-up but it was pretty relaxed so I tried not to get too nervous or self-conscious about it - it was good that I managed not to have any anxiety attacks over it but it was almost the other extreme... like an out of body experience in a way, or an out of self experience. I mean, this guy was just so not "me" - I was going along with the evening, trying to be pleasant company and wanting to be found attractive but the was no real connection. I don't think it was just me but at the same time it made me feel oddly numb. 

I dunno, it was like I was just so aware that there is no match for me. People always repeat that platitude that there is someone for everyone... except of course if you don't want there to be I guess. And I think that's where I am maybe. I just so fundamentally not want to be paired off or to see myself in that way that it won't happen. I think it just makes me sort of laugh at the other groups of people who say it happens when you least expect it - like you can really take that much focus off it when a friend invites you over and there is just one other person of the opposite sex there besides them. I felt sorta... well, not really bad so much as surreal over the whole thing - this guy, us hanging out, just wondering what type of girl he needs or wants or what his life and so not seeing myself in anything having to do with him beyond watching fireworks with some friends. 

I kind of wonder why I don't feel more lonely though?  I mean I don't see myself with anyone - I am incapable of imagining the guy I'd be with now a days. I think I would be okay with my dating life being over but there aren't many people you can really share that with. If you still seem fairly vibrant, engaging and fairly attractive people just expect it of you if you are single - and they persist in expecting it - so there's not really a graceful way out of it. People will wonder if you are gay, or I dunno, have "issues" or just generally what the hell is wrong with you. Now, most of the time I would go with anonymous "issues' if I have to but that's the point why do I have to? Why is it so not okay to not want a monogamous "serious" relationship resulting in marriage? I mean I did want that at one time,  just ran out of fuel to deal with the heartaches and bullshit and now all I have is the heart ache of trying to explain not only why it never happened for me before now but why I'm not interested anymore. Its just over, that's all.. wish more people could just let that be okay and stop reminding me I'm not enough, I need to be with someone to be someone.

Swimming against upstream I know but today I was thinking that when I was driving home - maybe anything is better then explaining why seeing it as all over is so soothing for me. I mean, I just feel safe this way - just grateful through & through about not being torn up over some guy or embroiled in hope of something that will never happen. Maybe that sounds terribly sad but its the truth - thinking about how I don't have to do any of this crap anymore is such a soothing thought to me. I think you can be hurt to the point where it is just pain better to be alone and safe. Its a quiet place inside to go home to.