When I went to breakfast that guy was there again and of course there was a seat next to him empty but as I said hello I passed him and sat nearer the other end of the bar where there were a couple of people between us. At first I felt a tiny bit bad but after a few minutes when he got up and left I felt better - I just didn't want to deal with him.
He's a perfectly nice man, and pleasant enough to talk to but what can I say, I have no interest in his attention and I still wasn't feeling great about my last reaction to his attention. Some time after he left and I was half way through my breakfast the waitress I always talk to said he was asking about me the last time he was there and she'd told him when I usually come in which explains how he knew when to come in although I am pretty sure he waited quite a while last weekend. That was just the feeling I had. When the waitress mentioned he'd asked about me I had that same depressed and upset feeling but this time I didn't let it get to me. I mean, for some reason just hearing what a nice guy he is made me want to cry but I managed to regather myself once she stopped mentioning him. That was the worst part this time - just hearing her endorse him as a nice guy. He's still too old for me and his attention is still not wanted and I had said as much so why did it matter how nice he was?
I shook it off and for a minute I did still feel sad. I was just sad and embarrassed about how screwed up I am. I mean I guess I felt sorry for myself but more just not wanting anyone to know how freakishly fragile I am at times. Last week I talked about everything with a therapist and she said she felt it had something to do with control or being caught off guard. I suppose so, when it comes to things being on my terms if rings true but there is also something of mourning the meaning of consent and ideas of my own control over things. I mean my not consenting really doesn't mean all that much and after a while the concept of control over anything erodes until there is no safety to be had. I could see myself not wanting to be myself if I felt like I was gonna have no control or even partnership in an association.
That is how I've ended up feeling in several relationships - like I just didn't warrant any good-byes even. It doesn't matter who I am, how nice and respectful I am or how much of myself I share, people will still just leave without a word one day and I won't even know when they might resurface or I might run into them again - all I know is they don't want anything to do with me for some mysterious reason and there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how interested or nice or how ever willing to get to know me they once were one day they just stop all contact. I understand not having any control over how people perceive me or what they think but I can't understand how I've lost so much control or even consent over everything else that happens after you supposedly get to know someone. I just have no concept of it anymore.
I don't know how to get the sense of safety or accountability back but it has something to do with things being on my terms. So maybe I could find someone I like and get involved but it has to be with someone secure and unselfish enough not to have to have all the control if that's what I need. I guess the only trick is finding someone like that that isn't a total spineless push-over who I'd have difficulty respecting and being attracted to. Huh. I don't feel like its all that likely - I'm trying to grow out of picking unavailable people but I can't really control who I find attractive to the extreme of being absolutely sure someone will remain available to contact.
Well, anyway, still not sure how I handle things but at least I didn't freak out today.
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