there is a therapy tool known as "an unsent letter" where you write down all the things you would like to say to a person but can't for whatever the reason - distance, death, or maybe its just too damn scary to face them. I guess the good comes from honoring your own feelings and acknowledging the harder truths but what I didn't know before is there is also an exercise where you write the response.
Someone asked me about this today when I was talking over a difficult problem but what I didn't say is I've written the letter a dozen times and it hasn't worked and I've strained to dream up some response and that hasn't worked either. It's as if this person is standing right there ever where I go but the person is mute and if they have anything to say they just aren't. I don't know what I want from the situation and I think eventually I just stopped wanting anything. I don't have an answer for what I need to say to make it go away or what I need to hear for it to rest.
What bothered me the most is this person I was talking to kept bugging me to maintain some contact with this person however limited it might be to let this person know I was still out there and I can't understand why - does she know something I don't know about this situation? & why is it so important to her that I at least consider letting this person know how I feel even if its just to cry with them over it? I guess I am supposed to get some sort of closure from it? I dunno that there is any other closure needed - or if there is I've already made my mind up to live without it. Let them know how I feel, it is so irrelevant how I feel it won't change anything and the very last thing I want on earth is one more situation where that is true, where I bare my soul and it means absolutely nothing and changes absolutely nothing. Why the hell is it so important to vomit feelings at every turn on everyone you have feelings for?
So I just said no to her again - I appreciate the advice but the answer is just plain no. I'm not putting anymore of myself out there if everything I already put out there didn't garner much of a REAL response. Maybe she will finally stop urging me to do it but whatever happens or doesn't happen because I didn't put myself out there - I'm okay with it. I really am. It's worth it and it's not some stupid stubborn pride thing, I honestly believe I have earned my pass card on this one. I'll put myself out there for something else some other time but in the area we are done.
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