One Pale Fire

talk is priceless

R & I had a chance to talk for just a little while this morning and I feel better but there are no easy answers. I told him I was feeling the limitations of our situation and how lonely I sometimes become for a regular boyfriend but that I didn't know how to talk to him about that. I wasn't sure how I felt about that before I met him, but I have become more sure since seeing him. I'm just sad our circumstances aren't different - its such an aggravating unhappy sort of honesty... Its not that he travels, or even that he travels a lot - its that there is no assurance of some quality down time with him to even know where to draw a limit on how much work is too much work. Its not as if I have some vague expectation that he'll be home for over 2 weeks in the foreseeable future so there's all these caps on what I can look forward to - too tamped down - and its not for pure expectation's sake, its more about the sense of growing room. After that I told him I needed to know how he felt about me seeing other people - we hadn't talked about that in any detail and maybe it was time we did. He lamented our situation for a moment, said he understood my angst but that he wouldn't feel right discouraging me given our situation, it just wouldn't be fair unless he could offer me more in the way of his being there. How very fair and balanced and rational. I half wanted him to make the decision for me so I didn't have to take responsibility for that - for deciding what's right, for dividing loyalties or putting myself first and ACTING on my behalf. It is so much harder when someone gives you freedom to walk away then when they push you away or fence you in.... I told him I thought he might say that, but, it was also important to me to factor in his feelings and not just what's "right"/smart/sensible  because I was having trouble splitting my own feelings so cleanly and I was also questioning sexual ethics which may mean a change to our situation. To his credit he pretty much stood his ground, he said he gets that its hard, he has trouble with that too... but that I had to "do what I gotta do". When he asserted that I said "yeah I know" and I started to cry because I imagined it leading me away from him and it felt like another lonely decision. Then he said the only thing he was worried about was me disappearing one day - he didn't want that. It felt lovely to hear and to be reminded of that previous conversation of ours. After that I started to calm down but was still weepy... gawd I hate being weepy... I told him I was just really tired from being sick and sleepless - all true - but its also hard for me to be so surface with my emotions. Its a big adjustment from who I'd been for so long and I still let it rattle me.  He heard me still wheezing and sniffling and he told me he didn't want this to be hard on me.... and that he wished there was more he could do. It was sort of a change in tone then before - less simple or flat in statement, more.... hmmm, sympathetic? which surprised me. I don't honestly know how much is a spectrum condition and how much is just the mode of his lifestyle for the last few years - he assumes nothing of others and I had always wondered how he hasn't hung himself by now from such a solitary existence. Gawd I hadn't imagined someone having a more solitary existence then me - the only difference is his scenery is a blur of constantly changing venues and mine is so static and grounded. I told him that I wouldn't disappear on him, that I would likely talk to him again if there was anything happening with someone else and that person would have to understand that he's a friend and he'd be around in some capacity. I mean I sort of hate to describe him that way but what else do I call him - "a fixture (who will probably always think of me in a sexual way), so get used to it"? I know, nothing to decide right now but wow, when people you've loved have left a pattern of severing ties and neglecting once-fond acquaintances when it doesn't work out it gets complicated when someone actually sticks around with integrity and flexibility. So here I am having finally let go of someone else who said he be around and then one day just stopped talking to me without any explanation and still building a relationship with this "always come back for you" fella. Why is it so hard to accept some gifts? He's not physically here, but he's there in other ways.

ha! knew it!

Gawd men really are that slow on the uptake, aren't they?...

I fight entering into a relationship, I'm fraught with indecision while I'm in some, I certainly don't like being trapped in a bad one, and I get utterly twisted with quilt about hurting someone when I do want to end it - and all this AFTER I started referring to myself as a "recovering perfectionist"... and people wonder why I'm so solitary?! Then I read the above article and another BIG FAT I TOLD YOU SO is the part about men surrounding themselves with career and friends rather then looking for a significant other. And you wonder why all I find are workaholics and only semi-available men?! because I AM ONE and that's all there are to chose from anymore!!!

Actually it felt good to read, like finally I am not alone. There was some inane discussion about commitment on the other website (ironically sparked by someone contrasting young with jaded) and the "work ethic" platitudes were so tiring and the approaches were so ripe with a nauseating "we're better then them"outlook – I mean, I know long term commitments are the fabric of communities and society at large but it's as if 1) anybody who says "leave the bastard/you two are not very compatible in the long term" are just projecting personal issues and being hateful/jealous or 2) I (for example) could never give any useful perspective or advice where relationships are concerned because I'm single and therefore defective. I'd rather be alone then in a bad relationship and that disqualifies me from identifying an unhealthy or unworkable situation (not that I am one of those "dump 'em" types).... 

Please - I actually prefer to be in a relationship but there are all these people that I don't even know that were just shining their own badges of honor and truth just because they are either presently in a relationship (of very short and serial regularity no matter how incompatible, new or shallow in depth - can you say "insecure") and those who are in a longer term relationship no matter how unhealthy and possibly even abusive it is (can you say "co-dependent") when sometimes I feel like I get tagged with "single for a reason" (read: unwanted leftovers) or my perspective gets totally invalidated because I'm not desperate to keep, any relationship I can get, together.

I do have positive long-term commitment examples in my life and my very own parents were married until my father died so it's not as if I'm down on relationships or commitment phobic or a raging perfectionist - I just... I'm nervous about choosing wrong or I take my commitments extremely seriously or, yeah, forgive me if I have standards I adhere to and integrity that doesn't let me feel good if I'm not honest with myself even though the guy is "good on paper"... and then to top it off the men I'd probably want most are the same way except maybe even more content alone because of course they don't get called a Spinster... or the crazy cat lady.... So I look at people in either screwed up relationships or holding on to something rather then pulling up their pants and going it alone and I judge them kind of harshly I suppose.

Although I have to admit right now at this place in time I'm not in the best relationship with intimacy and trust – I don't hate men or even fear them or intimacy itself as much as I just need the fluid comfort of being solo right now. It's about healing, and options. I mean I have to admit there is a lot of room in not getting hurt to relax into and options make me feel special so I don't want to loose them very quickly. Well, okay there's also a lot of room to make huge mistakes too – in who I chose to be with or why I choose not to.... I finally got over my monkey brain self-talk and the good sex long enough to push R toward the door. I didn't kick him to the curb or anything because he is a sweet guy that I have loved being able to trust but we just don't connect emotionally – not that I can feel anyway – and maybe he is simple enough to be happy with just that (God bless him) but I feel cagey and dishonest not being fully connected on that level with all the easy going regular sex that isn't even as fun anymore suspecting as much. I told him we could still see each other less frequently if it suited him but he can't do the "forever his girl" fantasy talk unless we actually spend more "quality" (non-sexual) time together otherwise I feel like some weird mix of marriage-material surrogate and blow-up doll.... *sigh* too bad it was fun for a little while pretending to have a boyfriend and my friends liked him so for a few brief shining moments I gave good relationship advice (lol).

men

they're so exasperating. Even the Snake who was hitting on me the other night I logged on today and found a post from about a week ago on his blog and... oh what the use even describing his sicknesses... he is such a lying, insensitive, manipulative creep - not just a dawg or a charming rogue or bachelor - no, a down right lying disgusting bastardo. I'm glad I found out before I developed any real feelings for him or dated but when I read this tripe I couldn't believe I ever forgot what a complete bastard he was or how he tried to take advantage of me in the past. And the thing is he has no conscience or sense of accountability - and if you'd ever seen how he operates you'd be amazed but you'd know it in a moment - he is a true predator. I mean you don't just build up that stunning skill set in reading and manipulating people by accident. He is honestly one of those guys you simply can not trust for two straight minutes if you are a women he is even half way interested in having sex with and you will have to stay on guard as long as there is any interest whatsoever and then if there's not or you have a problem with his behavior you won't hear from him for weeks (he dated a friend of mine, actually he's how we met she fell for him while he was trying to get with me). Some of the crap he pulls makes it impossible to feel any kind of compassion for him, gawd what the hell did his patents do to him I wonder?

I thing it was that vague feeling of sociopathic abandonment and emotional molestation in his situation description and the irksomely irresponsible for himself, total lack of self control or self respect "What? I am just a guy" act to evade all responsibility that flipped all my switches. I hate that men always have that nice pat neutral position to fall back on but I have to be a scatterbrained, overly sensitive woman driver in my own life. I guess it all vaguely reminded me of x with the "what? Huh? but that was 20 minutes ago and I changed my mind, did I not tell you?" but it also just rubbed me the wrong way since my email account got pirated and I got locked out. Just that robbed with no recourse, vulnerable feeling I loath so much. Then I heard there is a predator around my neighborhood who is assaulting single women. Happy Valentine's Day. Lots & lots of general anxiety and powerlessness in the air today. Predators suck.

It used to be one thing where I just wasn't always fully relaxed but okay, then it was between an anxiety that was always on simmer in the background and near the boiling point panic over nothing other days - I still don't know what changed to make it that way other then my relationship with x and some odd physiological predisposition to ptsd. At any rate I wasn't always like this, I mean sorta tended toward nervousness or worry but it was perfectly manageable and didn't really go beyond being especially alert at times. I don't rue the events of my life as much as I just miss any sense that I will return to being a more relaxed person permanently. Cumulative mental fatigue is as bad as anything happening in my body because of stress, all that feeling like prey energy is very tiring and makes it hard to sleep and really rest. And then every once in a while you get glimpses that maybe you are right to feel that way like the Snake and you get an extra jolt and feel irritable for days because your nerves are just cooked.

I suppose one benefit is that I have gotten much better at trusting the subconscious red flags that pop up now because I just don't have as much time or energy for self-doubt and double testing theories but then on the other side there are still times I have to decide how much time I want to spend explaining to someone why I react so strongly to somethings and that I am just not the same person I was... I was reminding my very understanding friend the other day of that and why I found Crush so intoxicating - I always felt really safe with him. The times I had been around him were the only times in the last 3 years that I felt really really relaxed - relaxed being myself, but also rested because I didn't have to be quite as vigilant and I felt protected by his caring regard... and gosh he was so good at just being with, without feeling like a wounded crazed animal. He just didn't look at me that way. I felt recharged around him, even just the sound of his voice when he wasn't talking directly to me was enough, which was great, but I think the best thing was I started to feel like I could hold a charge and expand it to do things and give that energy back... well, plus he was just really yummy like I can smell fresh chocolate chip cookies baking or something and I just wanted to be near him.

I was watching this clip on yahoo of Will Smith and Jada Picket-Smith and.... ugh, I just love them. I mean not in that admire the celeb way, just whenever one of them is talking in an interview that safe feeling just rolls off of them - more cookies baking. And to see them talk about one another if you can get past the attractive likeability ... there is a lot of love there. Anyway she was saying in this interview (about when she "knew he was the one") that they were friends for a while first and it just hit her over dinner one night that he was it, he was her husband... and that's how I felt about Crush once upon a time, I mean I was just listening to him talk about sailing a few months ago and that feeling just blew me away, again. It was just that feeling like he had always been with me somewhere, I just lost the voice for a few years there. But it seemed to me since then that even though he has had his own moments of hints, he's not quite on the same page yet and it's not that I should wait or will. Although it made me laugh with a sort of relief when Jada said guys aren't quite as quick with those things - someone else told me that same thing about Crush and it's just so nice to think I could be right instead of crazy.

Lately I get the feeling he needs that safe place too so I just wanted to write out a little note - even if we are only ever friends - I am right here.

other fish

I still haven't called to schedule a date. I am a chicken I guess but I am kind of consumed with negative expectation and apathy — and — a very vague sense that I'd just be aggravating the ruminating confusion again at the very most. Defeatism 101 or does it just not feel right? & then the projections, gawd projections are so useless who ever invented them? I mean do they ever ever work to satisfy?

& You know part of the whole problem is when I gave him my card — I was so suave riding the perfect wave of detachment, flirtation, confidence and then as we chatted he said as he wrote on the back of my card "well you know I come by here everyday so if you ever get bored give me a call and we can hang out". Or it was something like that, as he gave the card back to me. Yeah, he gave *my* card back to *me* with his number. I'm still not sure what to do with that.

It was one of those weird little reversal of fortune moments where you smile but on the inside you are all - huh? what? why is he giving it back to me? Does he not want it? Chats me up all this time, several times, I finally give up the number as an invitation and he gives it back to me... And now *I* have to be the one to call? and I don't understand, did he say "hang out"? is that sex buddy code or something or is he just being the dreaded ever ambiguous "friendly"? Why did he give the card back, does he have a wife that checks his clothes?

And I am being completely serious, all of that stuff darted through my head as I closed the door and said goodbye. Well, actually that last line about being married was the absolute first thing that went through my mind and I decided that if I met him — for coffee — that I would ask him point blank if he was married or had a serious girlfriend. But that's when I got too busy with all the other questions to even call. And ya know, women are so stupid with this kind of thing because calla girlfriend and they invariable 1) expect the absolute worst shallow agendas while 2) fabricating these wildly vivid, lush and complex reasons why he could be completely innocent, unaware and sweetly thinking only of my ultimate comfort... yawn, eye roll... yes, I mean this and don't look at me that way and say but maybe he just really wanted to make YOU comfortable by giving you the power. I can't believe she said that with a serious face. Whatever the case I don't feel like being the one to call.

Which brings me doing the calling — now, I don't have any problem calling, really I don't. I'm generally not intimidated by taking action if I like the man and am interested enough (which clearly I am not with this guy, because really he just amounts to getting back out there guy). It's not a matter of some antique notion of social propriety or some asinine power structure I learned in "The Rules". What it is, is a simple matter of assumptions or some mysterious way men seemed to get primed for all the wrong things when you call them — which again, might be fun if I was interested in that or him enough. I know what a sweeping generalization this sounds like but I have found it true enough not to sit up late at night straining with a magnifying glass, wondering where's Waldo? Because I'm not all that interested in Waldo really, I mean it's creepy the way he blends in or is always teasing and hiding out with that goofy expression. He seems happier with the game, ya know.... Anyway, it's not that I'm condemning these guys for getting all hot & bothered or revved up feeling juicy, sexy and desirable because a women called them — believe me I get what a delightful rush it can be — but, sigh, it seems the hormones cook their brains and that makes it hard to have a conversations and also very tedious keeping him at arms length when you actually do want to get to know him.

Which brings me to getting to know him — not sure I want to really and not sure I want to bother him with any kind of prejudicial indifference and wait around to be surprised. I thought that was incredibly defeatist and kinda mean at first but I dunno, there is a lot to be said for gut feelings isn't there? I've talked to him a number of times and although none of those occasions where at great length there isn't a great deal abut him that calls out to be seduced or explored. It is nice that he appears available and interested though... but I guess that's about where I got off the bus and stood staring at the cross roads of "available and interested". As often as I've been I should build a park bench so I have somewhere to sit and look at the pained, bewildered and delighted expressions of people coming toward me from the other direction of "been there and done that and all I got was this crummy t-shirt".

Projections. I was standing in my hallway today looking at the back of the business card hoping to find something titillating in the way he looped his "o" or wishing I was more amused he had my Dad's name... and thinking "it's just that I don't know what I want, it's me"... but it's not, I know what I want I just don't see it in him. So I busy myself with hyperactive insecurity instead of languishing in boredom. Like a sore wobbly tooth, I chose projections and confusion about what is wants from me — there are as many variables as there are people. The formless limbo is comforting, freeing, but drifting to the bottom of a sea of "other fish" I'm just still spirit weary, plumbing depths and not feeling much like a INFP catch. I go inside, my mind wanders to the last two times I got really excited about a guy who seemed available and interested and interesting — turns out they were both just some charming dude who had a girlfriend (of varied commitments) and they either felt it'd be a fun irresistible little excursion from reality or they were trying to prove/disprove something about their other relationships/themselves... well I guess anyways, because the truth is I don't know and they wouldn't clarify... it's not the pass at "harmless" fun, sport or the sexpectations that bothered me, just awash with that sort of lingering disappointment like it had very very little to actually do with *me*. Like someone tapping the glass at a pet store, just to see if they could get a reaction and then leaving with a smile and wave. Huh, I had no idea I was in a pet store, I though this was my life....

Honestly some days, I still want very much to be more confused about the last significant relationship I had with mid-life crisis guy. We fell in love and that much was a lovely, honest, wonderful sort of nothing we ever expected but in the end women ARE interchangeable to HIM. Which would be fine, I could take it less personally but interchangeable is not a nice or even succinct feeling I don't know what made him snap, what changed and what I am even interchangeable with. We broke up and instead of even attempting reconciliation he took up with some women he met in less then three weeks. Much much much later when I did chase him down and attempt to beat the closure out of him (<--- extreme fantastical exaggeration alert) he offered some wondrous words above and beyond the call of conciliatory and consolatory graces about who I am and that I'd never know how much I meant to him but not one single word as to "why" he just snapped... apparently according to him I am interchangeable with heaven, but heaven must wait? So don't go to the light. Or I guess closer to earth I am like Aruba — a fabulous little island paradise on which to vacation but no reality to actually live with. The truth is... any commitment he made (and he did) was a flat out lie, he told me he wanted to be with me, to live with me, to pacify me while he convalesced after his divorce but in reality he actively prefers the distraction, thrill, abuse and lack of intimacy that psychotic, frigid women offer. Well that was just a loose observation but something ironically I suspected when I first met him (which incidentally is why I pay more attention to first impressions)... from what I hear she (and by "she" I mean both his ex-wife and ? current girlfriend) is not very nice, seems friggin' nuts and contrary to other reports I've heard of psychotic women not very good or adventurous in bed.

I know that men are not all the same and I have nothing against Aruba or heaven for that matter but I'm just a little dumbfounded with the realities people routinely choose for themselves (including those two charming dudes) — and that no one seems to recognize me as their own. That's why/when I started setting off on excursions between hyperactive insecurity and languishing in disappointed apathy - it's island madness, a teensy dating pool or drifting at the bottom of the sea of other fish.

manhate

Why are men so stupid? I mean I guess it is just acutely selective hearing in some cases but it passes for stupidity when you have to say something repeatedly, say it in 4 different ways, reiterate it if ANY time has lapsed since the last time you talked... I mean what is it? "HI, it's Friday morning and I just wanted to let you - uh, well, no Bob - no, I do not want to have sex with you but thanks for asking - AGAIN."

Some guys even do it when it isn't about sex but usually that's the most common issue I find myself re-explaining... I didn't want to have sex with you two years ago when we met, I don't want to have sex with you now and I am pretty sure I won't want to have sex with you tomorrow or two years from now. I don't find you attractive - your constant overtures are preventing us from being friends, I am quickly finding you repulsive as even a mere acquaintance and thus I have no desire for any connection whatsoever and, just so you know, as long as the choice is mine I am always going to say no... Yes, I really do mean this.... Well, yes as much as it disgusts me, I have considered it with due care... In your case, yes, quite possibly including your being the absolute last man on earth.... Yes, I do mean "sex" in any of these instances to include nudity, touching, kissing/oral contact of ANY kind, fondling and on so on up to actual intercourse. I would indeed expand the context of any contact with you to include even verbal exchanges, descriptions, dirty talk, jokes and imagery of any kind - basically I don't want to share anything of a sexual nature with you.

Okay, I didn't actually have to say the above to this one guy, but I did have to reiterate the basic premise several times - at first when we met I thought perhaps we could be friends because we did have some common interests but he quickly demonstrated that wasn't possible. Even when I expressed the sentiment of disinterest in a variety of ways just to be sure I was being clear, he still dropped hints and made verbal overtures - and he couldn't understand why this was annoying or unacceptable (although I think the last part was a dumb act to save face after I griped at him). I went from "I'm sorry, I'm just not attracted to you in that way" to the eventual "don't ever contact me again"... I'm so glad he doesn't live in this state or I'd have started carrying mace.

And guys wonder why I'm so uptight as if it's all me, when some men are just worst then autistic puppies when it comes to sex or relationship models.

about me....

About Your (INFP) Personality Type
Imagine a deep lush valley, caressed by flowers and trees that eternally blossom, inhabited by animals that serve as gentle companions and by people who spend their days loving, creating, and selflessly serving humanity. This is the world of the rare (only about 3 percent of the population) Idealistic Philosopher: the person who is forever striving to live in a perfect world where love and harmony abound.

INFP when in love
As an idealistic Philosopher, you believe that love requires a profound emotional and spiritual connection. You may also believe that, to attain this desired state, you will have to endure a great deal of pain and sacrifice. Yet all the suffering will be worth it once you find your perfect love. When that blessed day comes, you will be a complete person, as you and your partner will work together to make the world a better place. In the beginning of a relationship, you tend to idealize your mate as the greatest person in the world; you'd easily give up your life for him or her. Later, when reality intrudes, you may find yourself disappointed as you realize that no real human being can match the fantastic images of love and romance you created in your imagination. Fortunately, despite your disillusionment, you somehow recover and begin to accept the flaws of your partner, ever so slowly, while still wishing you could change him or her into the perfect image you had when you first fell in love.

INFP where to meet
Where can you meet an Idealistic Philosopher? Idealistic Philosophers love writing, psychology, the arts, and relationships, and are drawn to activities that involve a crusade or mission. You can bump into them at bookstores, especially in sections related to the preceding topics. You can also find Idealistic Philosophers at the theater, art galleries, and museums - often walking slowly, by themselves, lost in their thoughts.

Chinese Zodiac: Sheep
You always put others before yourself. You will never intentional hurt others. If somehow you do hurt them, you will do everything in your power to fix and correct the situation. Your considerate soul helps you make way into social groups. You can often be too sensitive so you tend to avoid confrontations.
You love to travel and visit far away lands. You have come from a time in your life governed by strict rules and now is your chance to have fun. Your beliefs run you strongly but are open to the fact that others believe different than you.
You believe that the best things in life are free. You have been born a dreamer. Be careful that this doesn't hinder you from making important decisions or cause you to miss opportunities.

LOVE: You are very emotional in your relationships. Easily hurt and brought to tears, you need first of all security in a relationship. You are shy and the prospect of meeting new people often fill you with dread. Your ideal partner is somebody who can protect your vulnerability without stifling your creativity.

MATCH: Rabbit and Pig

CAREER: You need a job that will give you the time to exercise your creative side and overload you with time crunches. You have a way of turning around a situation and making it come out to benefit you. Be creative and don't join the rat race.

ELEMENT: Earth works well with the element of metal.

COLOR: Yellow is the color of fertile soil that is associated with progress, prosperity, and a good crop. It is also the color of the sheep.

YIN: The balance of Yin and Yang are apparent.

Astrological Sign: Aquarius
Aquarians are often innovative thinkers with perception and goals. They tend to be the ones with the far reaching ideas. This air sign thrives off of unique, strange, and down right bizarre experiences. No matter what you call them, Aquarians are never boring to be around.
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Yeah that about sums it up... sure it's subjective but I agree pretty strongly... well except for the part where I want to change the person I am in a relationship with - I mean, I do think I was blindly unaware and like that at one point in my life, but I think I grew out of it. I was reading this over tonight because of what someone said today - she sited the things I would want in a partner and how that didn't seem like too much to ask. But then she goes on to remark that maybe there just aren't that many people who can match me in the right areas. I guess she could be right but I just found it so incredibly discouraging instead of complementary.

INFP - "only about 3 percent of the population"... or if you read other stuff in this blog: http://infp.blogsome.com/category/infp-type-descriptions/
then I guess it could be closer to one percent, but might as well be one person on the planet. Gawd, ugh, I don't want to be that special.